Six Stupid Summer Diets

Summer is here, which really means only one thing: it's a fantastic time to start that diet for this weekend's pool party or slosh down the Salt River.

No need for a gym membership, these six fixes will have you ready in no time.

1. Freeze Your Fat
Keep in mind, after this new, hype-crazy, non-invasive surgical procedure, your chunky ice handles won't keep you cool in the summer. Zeltiq, a patented trend that also goes by "cool sculpting" just joined the high-standard rankings of FDA-approved health treatments.

How it works: a vacuum-like device sucks the fat into a central area and freezes the fat cells, which then die a slow (and very painful) death over a 6-to-8-week period. Note: Zeltig is not technically a "diet" and can be done multiple times -- meaning you can go back to eating whatever the hell you want after your fat cells die.

2. The Tongue Patch Diet

Sometimes food is so good that we have to resort to finding a crockpot doctor to sew a rather large patch on our tongues that make it painful and uncomfortable to eat. That's right food-hating masochists, this one's for you.

Not only does the tongue patch get sewn onto one of your most sensitive body parts, you also get to experience sharp, ripping pain anytime something solid enters your mouth. Not to worry, the patch is not permanent, so as soon as you rip that sucker out with a toothpick, you can go back to eating your bacon.

3. FitFlops
Fugly shoe fiends everywhere rejoice -- there's a new, useless shoe to add to your collection with the added (false) promise of giving you legs like the ones to the right. Fitflops are marketed on infomercials and trusted diet-trend stores including Walgreens and Claire's as "footwear with a gym built-in."

That's a great promise if you're actually walking around all the time ... in which case, you should probably just invest in a real pair of sneakers and ditch the fugly shoes.

4. 80 Bites
The only possibly more annoying than watching someone text and eat across the table, is watching someone incessantly tap a stupid application to count how many bites are in a turkey sandwich (about 24).

The iPhone app, 80 Bites (which will already cost you 99 cents and the respect of anyone who eats with you), asserts that a healthy daily intake of food is indeed, around 80 "average" bites of food. Open wide.

5. The Sensa Sniffer
Our sense of smell is one of our strongest and can trigger certain emotional and chemical responses in the brain. Lucky for all those used to snorting (fumes of) flavorless crystals, Sensa recently released with what looks like a chunky salt shaker with two caps for "salty" and "sweet" smells.

To curb your appetite, the box reads, just inhale deeply before each bite, sprinkle the food with the crystals that "boost the food's scent," and subsequently increase your chance of getting arrested for looking like you're on crack.

6. The Baby Food Diet
We owe so much to Jennifer Aniston: the haircut, putting Brad Pitt back on the market briefly, taking John Mayer off the market briefly, and now, we can add the baby food diet. Aniston was credited earlier this year for popularizing the diet -- 14 servings of pureed baby food each day -- but insists she was never on it.

Regardless, plenty of layered-haircut loving women are scarfing down Gerbers and waiting for the pounds to drop. Hope they have as much fun digesting like a baby after eating like one.

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Claire Lawton
Contact: Claire Lawton