Courting Disaster is Jackalope Ranch's weekly column of dating horror stories, observations, how-tos, and more by Katie Johnson. Names of ex-boyfriends, past hookups, and bad blind dates have been changed to protect the guilty.
Look, I know picking up women isn't easy.
We're not exactly the warmest creatures right off the bat, and why should we be? As Louis C.K. points out, men are basically the number-one killer of women, right up there with heart disease and cancer. But that's not to say you don't have a chance, fellas. It just means you need to find that healthy gray area between breaking the ice and shattering our sense of security.
Forgoing all the pick-up line classics we learned in grade school -- like "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" and "I lost my number, can I have yours?" -- here are the 10 worst pick-up lines I've heard in my short 26 years of being treated like a piece of meat.
See also: 10 Things You Should Never Say After Sex
"Can I buy you a drink?"
Sure, you can buy me drink. Just don't be creepy about it. My dowry is worth more than a PBR, and free beverage does not mean free sex, free conversation, or even free eye contact.
"I want to drag you by your hair back to my man cave."
Wow. Prehistoric and rape-y. He must be the Geico caveman's sex offending cousin.
"Girl, you've got some fine-ass legs. I'd like to take those legs out to a steak dinner."
Can the rest of me come, too?
"So where exactly do you live?"
This was asked at two o'clock in the morning after a Los Angeles bartender stole my credit card. I had left my card at the bar, but, rather than do the legal thing and lock it away inside the register, the bartender had taken it with him as collateral for my calling him.
I didn't realize the card was gone until I was on the other side of town and the bar was the other side of open. Fortunately (or unfortunately) I was able to call the bartender on his cell phone because, in a flirtatious move to seduce me and my best friend underground, he had given us his number back at the bar, saying he could get us into to some secret subterranean jazz club downtown. It's one of the few times I didn't fake entering a number into my phone (yes, guys, we do that).
Sadly for him, his criminal level of flirtation didn't work on me, and rather than tell him where I lived I told him he could meet me and my friends in a public location or I would be calling the cops.
I got my card back, but he called me at least twice a week at 2 a.m. for the next week. Dick.
"Maybe your eye is lazy because it's tired of keeping up with the rest of your beauty."
I'll give you props for creativity on that one, sir.
However, negative a thousand props for pointing out my lazy eye.
"Meow you doin'?"
This was sent via OkCupid, from a man with a username "MrCatUniverse."
(Insert pussy joke here.)
"What are you drinking?"
Use caution with this one, guys. If I'm holding a beer with the label clearly displayed, you and I both know that's a stupid question. Same goes for "What are you reading?"
Ask a girl a question like this and she might be responding, "What were you thinking?"
"So, Hitler. . . Crazy dude, right?"
Just leave. Now.
"Has anyone ever told you that you look like. . ."
Again, be careful here. While most girls might like to be told they look like Angelina Jolie, Halle Berry, or Scarlett Johansson, very few want to be told they look like Kathy Bates, Hilary Swank, or Kimmy from Full House.
Contrary to what Daniel Tosh might tell you, women don't like to be ranked. Especially when it's in the form of a sign being held out of a car window, while she's exercising.
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I might have been a little hurt that I didn't get a 10 had I not been so busy wondering about the signs. Did they already have their signs made up? Was this a regular occurrence? Or did he see a girl out and about then yell to his passengers, "Get me a pen and paper, STAT!"
Has any decent relationship evolved out of a cat call -- specifically, out of a car window?
I didn't think so.