Before launching into a tirade about things we sincerely hope you won't wear this fall, we'll start by noting that this season's not all bad -- far from it. We're excited for blazer coats from Chloé, oxblood red as the color of choice for designers such as Jason Wu, sheath dresses, and baroque detailing every which way. We're even on board with all the lurex and Minnie Mouse going high fashion for Barney's.
All that doesn't change the fact that there's plenty to hate on. The following are some of fall's least wearable, most hideous trends. Try them out at you're own risk. Or don't. (Just don't.)
High Sheen Leather Shiny, shiny. Super shiny leather. Everywhere. Thing is, we don't think Lou Reed would dig it. This season's trendy material swings from looking like Barbie got a job as a lady of the night and six-foot condom comes to life. Either way: bummer.
Head-To-Toe Pattern The poor models at Prada are one funked up pair of dentures away from Austin Powers thanks to those busily patterned suits. If you're going to try out the pantsuit trend, choose a muted blush, navy, or wine à la Haider Ackerman and Miu Miu.
Crazy Hats These furry, Seussian pimp costume hats fom Marc Jacobs are just one part of fall's crazy hat brigade, which includes Donna Karan's baby fedoras (Did DK just see the SNL "Ladies Who Lunch" sketch?), militaristic toppers from Prabal Gurung, and Louis Vuitton's comical flopfest.
Leather Pants for Men Wait, did you guys not see that one ep of Friends? The one with the baby powder and too-tight trousers? This is a joke, right?
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Snowy White Miranda Priestly pulls this look off in The Devil Wears Prada because she's an ice queen who lives a glamorously pampered environment that is not a dusty, grimy desert ready to rise up against her (she has mistreated interns for that). Let's keep this in mind when attempting fall's snow princess styles from Derek Lam and Band of Outsiders.
Graphic Sweatshirts High fashion sweatshirts from Diesel, Burberry, and Kenzo have the stink of irony-based trendiness all over them. "My grandma collects bedazzled sweatshirts. She's such a hipster," say the idiots willing to pay hundreds of dollars for aggrandized gym-wear. C'mon, we've already put up with a resurgence of fanny packs and wolf T-shirts. When will it end?
Thigh-High Slits We blame Angelina's right leg for this one. We swear, the ideas it's given people. First, unless one of your legs resembles the finely toned, thunder-free gams of Ang, this isn't gonna work for you. Second, where in the world would you wear such a skirt apart from the Oscars? Exactly. Shut it down.