Not every craft is a holiday success -- the cookies burn, the glitter spills, and you go a little overboard with the bedazzler. But something about the holiday season allows some of us forgive ourselves for our artistic failures, while leading others to turn to handmade cyber warehouse Etsy, where hundreds of pages currently advertise a range of holiday decorations from vendors around the globe.
In Etsy's holiday shop, ugly, inappropriate, and straight-up wrong is not in short supply. There are countless creepy Santas made from papier mache and dozens of "up"cycled wreathes that have seen better days in the can. Today, we're looking at ornaments, and we're not ashamed to admit that we're scraping the bottom of the barrel.
9. Inappropriate Santa Price: $65 Etsy Description: "Santa has a little surprise for you.. hehehe Seriously though folks, be very careful when sitting on santa's lap this year, you may get more than you bargained for. " Translation: You should see what we do for Halloween ...
8. Father Christmas and Nisse - Hand Painted Santa Gourd Price: $995 Etsy Description: "Father Christmas, the gift giver, is traveling through the Scandinavian countries. Going from hamlet to hamlet he spreads the blessing of harvest bounties. The fir trees from the northern wood to bring to the wheat farmers, and the wheat from the wheat farmers to bring to the apple growers, and from those apples come strudels to return with to the northern wood. He blesses each home as he travels." Translation: Holy shit! I can paint a vegetable. This thing is worth at least $995.
7. Christmas Ornament - NAKED SANTA Price: $15 Etsy Description: "This cute little "NAKED SANTA" ornament measures approximately 2" tall and is made with Model Magic Clay - so he is very light in weight. This Santa has lots of character and lots of detail - from his friendly smile to his little backside, ha! This ornament is sure to become one of your favorites. :)" Translation: Santa's butt! HAHAHAHAHAH
6. Handmade Chinese Fortune Cookie Fake Food Salt Dough Christmas Tree Ornament Holiday Decoration Decor Presents Gift Idea Price: $4.95 Etsy Description: Handmade Chinese fortune cookie handmade from salt dough measuring 2x2 inches Translation: Same as above, just replace "Handmade Chinese fortune cookie" with "vagina."
5. Ugly Hanukkah Sweater ANY SIZE Menorah Dreidel Festival of Lights 148 Elves Gone Wild Price $38.50 Etsy Description: "Perfect for your holiday tacky/ugly sweater party! Why does Christmas get to have all the fun? Hanukkah can get in on the tacky sweater party time too! Dreidels! Menorahs! Stars of David! Hanukkah!" Translation: Zooey Deschanel would totally wear this sweater.
4. Holiday Decoration Christmas Plush Snowgirl Price: $30 Etsy Description: "This stuffed snowgirl stands approx. 9" high with her hat adding some additional height. Her face and body are hand painted and inked to give her a unique own personality. This girl is obsessed with makeup and got a little carried away, but she's a girly girl after all. Hercarrot nose is made of a natural stone chip bead and she has decorative buttons down her front with a bit of bling and a lovely braided scarf! Her arms are twiglike made from a dark brown felt. Let's not forget her stylish hat topped with a little bead charm. A great gift or simply a treat for your holiday decorations!" Translation: Look! I'm hot gluing shit on top of more shit! Happy Holidays.
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3. BACON Charm, Christmas Ornament Polymer Clay Price: $7 Etsy Description: "Everybody loves BACON!! Hand-made from polymer clay (Sculpey) and googly eyes, these little guys look real and tasty! The charm comes with a cell phone strap. Put some bacon on your Christmas tree, key-chain, zipper pull or purse/phone, and much more!" Translation: Bacon's totally, like, still in right?
2. Vinyl Decal Menorah Celebrate Hanukkah Vinyl Wall Decal Holiday Decoration Price: $14.95 Etsy Description: "Celebrate the festival of lights and decorate your home with all things blue and white! This beautiful Celebrate Hanukkah Menorah decal measures 6" tall and 12" wide." Translation: Do you think the neighbors get it yet?
1.The Grumpy Cat Ornament by Grandma Thunderpants Price: $14 Etsy Description: "Christmas is a time of love, giving, and togetherness... which coincidentally are the three things Grumpy Cat hates most. Show your disapproval of all things holly and jolly with the gift that says "I hate you. A lot." :D" Translation: GRUMPY CAT!! GRUMPY CAT ON A TREE!! $$$$