Courting Disaster is Jackalope Ranch's weekly column of dating horror stories, observations, how-tos, and more by Katie Johnson. Names of ex-boyfriends, past hookups, and bad blind dates have been changed to protect the guilty.
Sex is all about marketing. Please, understand your audience and choose your words carefully. From "making love" to "fucking," you've got a pretty broad spectrum of choices. So although your blood is rushing away from your brain and down to your genitals, try to make an effort with your vocabulary. Good grammar is sexy and bad vocabulary can kill a lady boner. Also don't say "lady boner." We hate it.
Here are the 10 worst things you can say -- most of which I've heard said -- post-coitus (including the words "post-coitus").
See also: How a Nerd Became a Dating Columnist
Unless Kinsey is back from the dead and observing us through a two-way mirror, don't refer to sex as coitus. Additionally, don't use childish euphemisms. It's creepy. Just ask comedian Patton Oswalt (the above video is totally NSFW, by the way).
How do you make first-time sex with a new person even more awkward? You say nothing.
I think of it as a moment of silence for something that died: our chemistry.
8. "I love you."
This was actually said during the act, making it only a million times worse. Your heartfelt proclamations lose credibility when you're sticking it inside someone. It's hard to feel you when I can still feel you.
7. "How much do I owe you?"
Get it? Get it?! He's joking that I'm a prostitute. Not laughing? Neither was I.
In all fairness, English was his third language -- prefaced by Italian, prefaced by Jackass.
6. "Did you gain weight?"
There was sex followed by a moment of silence followed by him reaching over, shaking my right arm and yelling "bingo wings!."
I said nothing. Headed to the shower. Questioned every major life decision I had made up to that point.
4. "I am not ready to be a father."
Well I'm glad we agree. Not everyone is a baby-crazed psycho who wears her biological clock like Flavor Flav.
3. "High five!"
This came from the same person that said "Bingo wings!" so I guess I shouldn't be that surprised. Nonetheless, there are better ways to congratulate someone on a job well done, without making them feel like a kid or the member of your JV basketball team.
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I hear this a lot. Well, more than you would expect. And while it's sad, it's also a bit eye-opening. Women aren't the only ones who feel self-conscious during sex, and truth be told there's a lot less expected of us performance-wise. But by saying sorry, you're drawing attention to the fact that you did something wrong. Something that the other person may have not even picked up on. Also, minds have a tendency to wander, so if it's not clear what you're sorry about, we're going to start freaking the fuck out.
1. "Excuse me." [Runs to shower]
That's cool. I'll just lay here in my own sin and filth. Maybe I can spoon with that misshapen pillow over there.