Between the celebrities, Tumblrs, and how-to videos, the man bun has been creeping across the Internet and up men's scalps since early spring. And just like the grass in our lawns or the potted plants at Trader Joe's, we assumed, nay, prayed that the trend would die off by fall.
So it's time to be proactive in the battle against man buns, to untangle the trend before it takes over the scalps of every boyfriend, husband, and potential lay in the country.
See also: Beardvertising Brings Ads to Beards
Here are five reasons why we need to put a ban on the bun.
1. The man bun is no easy feat. Much like hats or capri pants, the man bun is not for everyone. With chiseled male models and teams of professional stylists, magazines would lead you to believe that taming your greasy locks into a head lump is a look that any man can pull off.
It's not. And most likely, you can't.
2. If ever you want confirmation on whether you're making a poor style choice or a bad one, just look for the latest photo of Shia LaBouef. In this case, think of his gnarly head bun as your greasy red flag.
3. Point us in the direction of a single manly looking hair accessory. We'll wait right here.
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to Phoenix New Times's mission. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Phoenix's stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
4. The man bun is a gateway hairstyle. First it's man buns, and next thing it's man pigtails. Before you know it, your man is sporting Scary Spice knots and twerking like Miley Cyrus.
5. Male bunheads, your top knot is confusing us. We don't know whether to interpret your next level man-pony as a sign of your laissez-faire attitude towards hygiene and maintenance or as an overgrown extension of your vanity. Will our couples prep routine involve sharing styling products, a blow dryer, and waiting an extra 20 minutes for you to sync your hair spiral? Or will it involve us checking for lice while you eye the shampoo bottle with suspicion?
Let's nip this trend in the bun before it starts to take down the population. Because for every hair bun you sport, a woman decides to take her vagina elsewhere.