The 11th Annual Gathering of the Jugglos is right around the corner. Don't know what that is? Well, consider yourself lucky. Actually, let me ruin it for you. Watch this. OK, now that you have descended into the mouth of madness with me let's move on.
If there is one thing I can't stand it's Juggalos. Don't get me wrong, I am all for people getting together and having a good time. But from what I can tell, the "family" that has grown up around the Insane Clown Posse over the last 15 years is a celebration of mediocrity.
In fact, I am pretty sure they purposely chose something terrible to be a part of so they can all get together and defend its horribleness, like a pack of orcs defending Mordor... or something like that. That being said you can't really blame someone for wanting to be a part of something bigger than themselves. If it wasn't for that deep-seeded human desire we wouldn't have awesome stuff like Crips or Bloods.
If you stop and really think about it, Juggalos could very well end up being the future of our society. The economy going down the shitter like this points to the inevitable apocalypse. Juggalos might be the only organized group left with the knowledge needed to live off nothing but Twinkies and Faygo. And, since some scientists say Twinkies and Faygo are the only food stuff expected to survive a nuclear strike, I would suggest stashing some face paint away in a safe place, learning how to braid Caucasian hair into corn rows and practicing your "whoop, whoops."
Assimilate or die. Am I right, folks?
But, seriously, there just HAS to be some redeeming qualities, something I can get behind to justify this craziness. And I think I have... Juggalettes!
I went on a worldwide hunt for hot female, face painted "Juggalettes" (or "Ninjettes" as they are sometimes called) and found 10 chicks who you'll agree are kinda hot, even if you're ashamed of yourself for admitting so.
Fortunately for all of us, it looks like the Juggalo community hasn't made the collective jump to Facebook yet, preferring to wonder about the magic of magnets on Ye Olde Myspace, thereby allowing me to cyberstalk without the fbook privacy stuff. Let's take a look at the best of what I found...
Pumkinlette: Pumkinlette more like "Pumkin please lette me out of the trunk of your car!"
Pertinent info: "I am a frigid bitch...case closed. If you ask me for nude pics, the answer is and will always be...HELL NO. I'm married someone who is highly trained with his weapon and accurate up to 1500 M."
Miss Kisa: She can obviously get backstage at The Gathering. Leaving with her dignity and health intact? Only time will tell.
Pertinent info: "Who I'd like to meet: People who are fucking real and not afraid to speak their mind. Porn Stars, weed smokers, rappers, models, cool ass people who DGAF!"
Angelica Rose aka COC Queen: I like that she keeps it classy with a simple (elegant, even?) gold "Hatchetman" necklace.
Pertinent info: "I spend most of my money on my health insurance, my hair, slutty shoes, lingerie, and make-up[.] I don't like meeting new people. I have no interest in making new friends. I'm very content with the ones I have and wouldn't trade them for anyone or anything[.] I am NOT single so please get the fuck off of my jock. I will not send you naked pictures, talk dirty to you, or give you my phone number. My boyfriend is perfect for me and I will never find anyone else like him[.] I am proud to call myself a Juggalo. If that offends you then delete me now because that's probably the least offensive thing about me, my history, or my personality[.] I'm crazy and see no point in denying it. I am very comfortable with the thoughts in my head and will never live a lie[.]"
Chelsea aka Insane Juggalette: I don't know where that finger has been but I really don't care.
Pertinent info: "My names chelsea. single. fitchburg alturnative high is where you'll find me. once i graduate im going to school to become a cosmotologist. im completely fed up with drama. DO NOT bring it to me. i don't give a fuck. ima mutha fucking juggalette, holdin my hatchet high till im 6 ft deep in the casket. im very opinionated, & love showing it. i can be a bitch, i give too many 'second' chances; im done with that. fuck me over once & thats it."
Lala Sadiistiic: Who doesn't get excited by a girl who knows how to rock the clearance rack at the Halloween store?
Pertinent info: "I Seen The Devil... With my body shaking, I think I just seen the devil. Human form, in such a disguise [.] Haven t seen him in awhile, and no I don't miss his presence. Who knew the devil would be in town? Of course not me, he likes to sneak around and haunt my fucking life."
Little Miss Alicia: Nothing's hotter than a badass Juggalette that can take a punch from two different clowns.
Pertinent info: "Your inner beauty shines through when you show your outer freak" - Sara Louise Miller"
Manda aka shortyx2xdope: She takes coulrophobia to a whole new level.
Pertinent info: "i collect words the way some people collect shells ... Or coins ... Or stamps"
Brandy aka MoonMiist Babii: Purple hair. Purple tub mat. Purple drank?
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Jessika aka Psychopathis Sister: Is that a snakeskin belt? Nice! AND Michelob Ultra, the classiest beer in the world?
Pertinent info: "Heroes: All my Juggalettes out there. Keeping the family alive, Showin off our paint, holdin hatchets high. I love you all. My life would be nothing with out all you Lettes. Thanks for your support"
Flynn aka WiCKEDFLYNN: Stripper shoes marks the spot?
Pertnent info: "Q: What's the longest you've ever gone without a bath or shower? A: well i go to tha gathering each year and you def miss a day showering lol but i live in florida and theres bad hurricanes so sometimes your without water and power for a while so ive gone a few days being stuck in a house with no power n shit but as soon as i got access to tha shower i jumped in lol"