Okay, so we know the militiamen holed up in a federal building in eastern Oregon were not pleased with the "bag of dicks," the dildos, or other generous gifts they received.
After all, um, serious times call for serious measures.
Come’on, people, just look at their wish list. It’s obvious that these cowboys and ex-military dudes want the stuff our founding fathers used to win the Revolutionary War – you know, like, real survival gear: Warm socks, propane tanks, hay, markers, French Vanilla Creamer, money, and shredded cheese...
That said, who doesn’t love a good care package?
And since we know these patriots, many of whom hail from the great state of Arizona, would so much rather be at home with their families than roughing in the Malheur Wildlife Refuge and fighting for freedom, we put together a list of a few simple things you can send them to bring a little Arizona cheer to their day.
5. Cholla Cactus Plants
We know they’re busy fighting the government and don’t have time to tend to needy plants, which is why a low-maintenance cactus is the perfect gift. Plus, they can practice dodging bullets or fortify the building with these jumping balls of spikes.
4. Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office pink underwear.
Not only are these great for late-night pajama pillow fights, but bonus points for actually getting the militants something from their wish list!
3. Calendar of Sexy ASU Students
They said they’re prepared to stay for months if necessary. They may need it.
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2. A case of uranium-tainted bottled water from the Grand Canyon
“Raise your glass and make a toast, fellas, to dissolving the EPA, the Park Service, Forest Service, and all those other pesky federal agencies trying to regulate the mining industry.”
1. Cowboy hats
It’s cold out there, and we’ve noticed that some of the Arizona patriots aren’t sporting the requisite militia cowboy hats. Is there really a better way to say, “I’m a patriotic bad-ass” than to be twinsies with Ammon Bundy and Ronny Reagan? We didn't think so.
Need more ideas? Here you go: