Fuller House Episode Five: Coachella or Bust

Each week, we're recapping the first season of Fuller House episode by episode.  Hurry, Coachella needs you on the main stage!

In a world where Fuller House has dropped the Tanner clan into 2016, we can't even with this episode. Any illusions you may have had about this being a more "serious" companion to its predecessor have been officially squashed in the most spectacular way.

We begin with middle child Max performing a rendition of "Old MacDonald Had a Farm" on his trombone. As if his already-established nerd status would somehow be helped by the prospect of joining a ska band in the future. He's pacing around, lamenting to his Aunt Stephanie that his second-grade life will be over if he fails. Never missing a chance to remind you that she's a ~*world-renowned DJ*~, Stephanie fibs that she had a lucky scarf (that she happened to be wearing) the first time she went up to spin a set. She then offered to lend it to Mighty Max for his performance, setting him at ease. 

Meanwhile, Kimmy has once again meddled with DJ's love life, signing her up for an online dating profile. Girl, she met a hunky fellow veterinarian last episode! Who needs the internet, right? Except it's 2016 and the producers definitely want you to know that. She rolls her eyes at the embellished profile, citing the fact that her lack of spark with her high-school boyfriend Steve means that there's no way an online beau would produce a better result. It's possible a new guy won't eat all your food though, DJ. Plus, you're "raising the roof" in the picture below. Keep an open mind. 

Stephanie is in the midst of feeding Baby Tommy when her friend Shannon from England comes barging in. Honestly, after that whole fake British accent stunt in the première, we can't trust that anyone on this show is actually English. Plus, she reminds us of Steph's troublemaker friend Gia from the original series ... bad vibes all around. She sees Steph's current maternal state as a cry for help and offers to whisk her away on a private jet to Coachella for the night — a very normal thing to do. Sparked by the glimpse into her life as a ~*world-renowned DJ*~, she jumps on board. 

With Stephanie on the party plane and Max's recital to get to, DJ needs help. Kimmy has to work, so she offers Ramona's babysitting services. Wait, didn't Joey fly all the way from Vegas to babysit all the kids recently? Why couldn't the two teenagers be trusted then? Perhaps it had to do with Ramona's distracting vlogging career, for which on this particular night, she decided to move Tommy's high chair into the bathroom (?) and begin a live stream. While changing his diaper, she assumes the best idea is to toss it down the toilet, setting DJ back even further in getting to the recital.

While waiting to get her toilet fixed,  Kimmy is sneaking in a hunky date for her from the online profile. She mistakes him for the plumber, spouting off some crazy unintentional innuendos, like, "I just need a man to get to work on my pipes." Oh man, it's so good. Confused, but creepily excited, he plays along, calling himself "the naughty plumber." All in all, it was actually one of the funniest bits in the series so far. 

Out in the desert, Stephanie is enjoying the spoils of being a ~*world-renowned DJ*~ in the VIP tent at Coachella, an event that's apparently very easy to waltz in and out of. It's so easy going, in fact, that when a DJ on the roster falls and breaks his arm while crowd surfing, her friend eagerly proclaims that the festival wants DJ Tanner to head on up to the main stage. We can't make this stuff up, but it's pretty amazing that an entire writer's room did. 

Oh wait, it gets better. Miraculously, they already had her equipment, graphics, and back-up dancers at the ready. Cut to the large festival crowd, dancing like crazy with DJ Tanner on the 1's and 2's. Everything is going great for our ~*world-renowned DJ*~, until an urgent text from DJ pops up. As all performers do, she stops touching anything and makes a video call, as it is very easy to hear from a stage at a music festival. Max is on the other end, upset that she made off with the lucky scarf she promised him and in a pre-recital panic.

She cuts the jams and asks the crowd to cheer him on, somehow projecting him from her phone in a world where technology and pretty much everything else makes no sense. Coachella had a Tupac hologram once, so this is an easy thing to do, right? Shut down the logical part of your brain and head down the rabbit hole. After a performance high led her back on the plane toward Italy, she quickly comes to her senses and flips that jet around, right on home. 

While seemingly managing to get home by 10 p.m., Stephanie explains to DJ that she felt like she had finally outgrown the scene. Last episode, you're broke and bored, and after the world's most convenient gig, you decide to hang up your hat? It's there that things take a major turn. After admitting that the family life had grown on her, she starts to get a thousand-yard stare. After DJ asks what's wrong, she drops a major bomb: She can't have children. WHOA, HELLO. Not expecting that by a long shot. After the absurdity of the previous 20 or so minutes, it was kind of nuts to see Stephanie give a disarmingly genuine speech about her heartache. DJ assures her that her kids belong to all of them. At that point, the whole family piles in for a big Tanner-Fuller-Gibbler hug, just as it should be.