The film Scott ended up making is called Robin Hood, the sheriff's role is minimal, and Crowe plays only the title character, whose ability to mobilize commoners with empty anti-government rhetoric equating taxation with slavery is posited as a virtue. It is an old-fashioned adventure epic produced with state-of-the-art cosmetics, lined with mild romantic farce, and weighed down by overly simplistic, quasi-populist dialogue. Instead of robbing from the rich to give to the poor, this Robin Hood preaches about "liberty" and the rights of the individual as he wanders a countryside populated chiefly by Englishpeople bled dry by government greed. Conservatives will never again be able to complain that Hollywood ignores their interests.
As King Richard the Lionheart (Danny Huston) and his army pillage their way back to England from the Crusades, royal younger brother John (Oscar Isaac) is shacked up with the niece of the French king. When the Queen mum interrupts her son's coitus to lecture him for being a foolish slut and taking up with one of the same, he announces his diabolical plan to marry the French broad and nab the throne from his aging brother. Before Mom can huff, "Something must be done about these power-mad, horny kids!" Richard is killed by Godfrey (Mark Strong), an Englishman turned secret operative for the French. The new King John unwittingly hires Godfrey to enforce the mass taxation that will fund his royal decadence.
Who should stumble upon Richard's corpse but Robin Longstride, a "common archer" plagued by fuzzy flashbacks of the day when his father "left me to the world of men." Robert Loxley, a sidekick to the King who lies dying at the scene, presses Robin's daddy-issues button and persuades him to take the Loxley family sword back to papa Walter Loxley (Max Von Sydow) in Nottingham.
The younger Sir Loxley failed to mention that Walter lives with Marian (Cate Blanchett), the headstrong barely noblewoman Robert married on the eve of decamping for war a decade earlier. When Robin arrives in Nottingham, Walter insists that he protect both himself and what's left of the Loxley land by play-acting as Marian's dead husband. The second act of the film is largely taken up with the budding relationship between Robin and Marian. Just as this union is on the verge of consummation, Walter reveals the truth about Robin's father, the landowners threaten to rise up against the royals, the French army storms . . . something, and the English king has to make political concessions to his people so that they'll march for him instead of against him in a great, partially underwater battle in which Marian learns why chainmail generally doesn't come in ladies' sizes.
Much like Avatar, Robin Hood seemingly seeks to wow through assault — the soundtrack is loud and extraordinarily dense, the pace is relentless, the battle scenes choreographed for total sensory disorientation.
And the clutter is paramount. Scott mainly filters a 1,000-year-old myth through the stale shorthand of the action blockbusters of the past two decades. We travel with arrows in Matrix-esque bullet time; emotion is underlined through zooms and slo-mo; the villains have bad facial hair and/or speak in quasi-philosophical metaphor. ("Even dying animals can be obstinate," the king of France sneers, addressing the oyster he's trying to open, but he really means England!) The directorial choices are, for the most part, so lazy and the blockbuster engineering so blatant that Robin Hood often falls into self-parody. All the more reason for Sarah Palin to love it.
