Music News

Lamb of Garth, Have Mercy on Us!

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Two of Gaines' pretend hits, "Unfinished Letter" and "Mainstreet," stomp the same happy Hammond organ ground Junior Jakob Dylan did. But given the phony-but-not-funny revisionist liner notes that named "Mainstreet" an instant classic, some of Garth's toothless fans might insist that Chris Gaines recorded these songs way before anyone even heard of the Wallflowers. "Back when the old stuff was new," indeed!

"Mainstreet" even features "one light blinking off and on." Headlight, maybe? Go to the head of the class, Kreskin! You're already too smart for this discussion group. I give you music fan from Atkins, Arkansas:

GARTH BROOKS IS A MUSIC GOD I ALWAYS FELT HE WAS TO VERSITILE TO PUT IN A CATAGORY. THIS ALBUM PROVES HE SOULD BE IN ONE CATAGORY. THE KING OF MUSIC!

For those who deny that the emperor has no clothes, here's the counterpoint message one hurt lady from Atlanta posted:

garth has finally let his money and greed overcome his roots. he has lost the faith I once had in the greatest man on earth. he was. never again. he let us down: please do not support this imposter in purchasing this album.

Of country music fans, lantern-jawed Nashville Now host Ralph Emery once said, "It's not that they are simple-minded, it's just that some of them are incredibly trusting." Which is why Garth, a music god to so many, had to do that NBC special, appear in his traditional good ol' boy hat and demonstrate to the trusting folks he befuddled that he's just playing pretend wimpoid rock star instead of actually becoming one. It's as if Daddy's turned on the night light to show you the monster in your bedroom is really a bunch of clothes thrown over a chair. With a Natalie Cole wig lumped on top.

Garth's pedantic explanations of how he achieved his ridiculous Prince Suckyerbellyin look wouldn't even have been necessary if this record didn't come out so far in advance of the Chris Gaines movie. Imagine explaining what your science fair project is going to be like to your teacher instead of just handing it in on time and you'll have some idea how trivial all the "Did You Know" facts about Chris Gaines seem out of context.

Can you imagine how anticlimactic this faux rock flick will ultimately be? We already know that he's going to release a bunch of stupid-looking albums whose Spinal Tapped covers don't match the tame music they contain. Then he's gonna have a car wreck, get a face full of glass and become a recluse. And we've already been told they're gonna kill off Chris Gaines at some point, so Garth can become Kurt Cobain without shooting his mouth off for real.

But that don't matter to the Atlanta girl whose trust Garth has betrayed. Babbling Brooks further trashes that faith by giving a long, sincere VH1 Storytellers intro for "It Don't Matter to the Sun." He talks about how Chris' father used to sing this old Ramsey Sellers hit to his mother, and when the Senior Mr. Gaines died there was no one to sing it to her but Chris. Meanwhile, we all know, there is no Ramsey Sellers. It's all a cock-and-bull story. Garth's band wrote the song apparently trying to knick "Isn't It a Pity," "It Don't Matter to Me" or "You Are So Beautiful."

Garth has become a master when it comes to blurring the lines between fact and fiction. He does it even better than Bill Clinton, the other overweight redneck who's been ruling the world for the past seven years. We're a nation so used to being lied to we don't care if it's real tears or glycerin anymore. Most people wouldn't know a sincere song intro if Red Foley came back from the dead and told us the ground he's buried in was colder than the cab of any truck he's ever ridden.

Red Foley? Why, he was a country singer, not that you vermin would know the difference -- at least according to Ryan Strawbridge from Cleveland, Mississippi, who deemed the Gaines CD "Absolute 100% Vomit":

Garth Brooks can't even do country right so why would he even try to do this? Am I the only one who sees the writing on the wall? Country Music is dead!! Every singer sings the same way and you can hardly tell any of them apart. Older artists like Waylon and Willie have been thrown down and the dirt has been kicked in their face. The CMA Awards had N-Snyc on their show for christ's sake. Merle Haggard and Jewel singing a duet? Let me say to you Garth Brooks, thanks a lot for opening the lid and flushing Country Music down the toilet for the sake of making money.

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Serene Dominic
Contact: Serene Dominic