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M.I.A. Is Being Sued By The NFL -- Here's How You Can Help Her Win

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"Of course, the NFL's claimed reputation for wholesomeness is hilarious," King tells THR, "in light of the weekly felonies committed by its stars, the bounties placed by coaches on opposing players, the homophobic and racist comments uttered by its players, the complete disregard for the health of players and the premature deaths that have resulted from same, and the raping of public entities ready to sacrifice public funds to attract teams."

What's more, King and M.I.A. are encouraging the general public to submit examples of " the actions of the NFL, its stars, coaches, advertisers, broadcasters, team doctors and owners have damaged or destroyed any vestiges of any reputation for wholesomeness ever enjoyed by the NFL. These submissions, which we plan to use to bolster M.I.A's defense, will help balance the playing field, as they very well could eliminate the burden of undertaking a formal survey of the history of unwholesome behavior, can be made to the M.I.A defense team by email to [email protected]"

What kind of unwholesomeness are we talking about here? Well, besides the NFL's bizarre habit of selecting 350-pound steroid-popping gorillas, giving them multiple concussions over four years, and then dumping them with permanent brain damage, there's a lot. In fact, just this week Aldon Smith of the 49ers crashed his car into a tree. He's being charged with a DUI and marijuana possession. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. Ready to dive in? OK!

The Dolly Gray Imposter For starters, let's go way, way back. Nobody knows who this dude really was, but he played in the National Football League for both the Green Bay Packers and the St. Louis All-Stars in 1923 under the pseudonym Jack "Dolly" Gray. Claiming he was an end from Princeton, Gray got signed to the All-Stars by Ollie Kraehe, the player-coach and owner.

Too bad Gray played like complete shit. After three games of lackluster performance, Kraehe realized this guy was lying through his teeth. So what did he do? Signed him over to the Packers. Why? He needed the money, of course. But when Gray gave his shitshow all over again, the Packers' first coach, Curly Lambeau, confronted Kraehe about the mess. Kraehe just laughed it off. Apparently, after his first game with the Packers, Gray disappeared on the train and no one ever found out who the weirdo was. It was ethics like these in the early days of the NFL that would continue to plague the organization. Such as...

The Minnesota Vikings Boat Party Scandal Real-life Vikings would rape and pillage your seaside town while tripping balls on amanita muscaria (no, really). The Minnesota Vikings just settled for orgies on Lake Minnetonka. On October 6, 2005 police investigated a call from a woman claiming seven large men had pissed in her yard. Soon, they found a sex party raging on two houseboats that the following Vikings players -- Daunte Culpepper, Fred Smoot, Mewelde Moore, Pat Williams, Bryant McKinnie, Nate Burleson, Ralph Brown, Troy Williamson, Travis Taylor, Kevin Williams, Lance Johnstone, Moe Williams, Ken Irvin, and Willie Offord -- had chartered. They had filled the boats with around 90 people, including some prostitutes they'd flown from Atlanta and Florida.

The attorney for the charter company described the scene thusly: "Masturbation, oral sex, anal sex, woman on man, woman on woman, man on man, toys, double penetration, middle of the floor, middle of the couches, middle of the room." My god! The middle of the couches? Animals!

Fred Smut, er, Smoot was allegedly the ringleader in all this, assisting two of the girls who were going at it Requiem for a Dream-style with a double-headed dildo. After one woman left he continued to "manipulate the dildo" inside the other woman in front of the ship's crew. Later, the cleaning crew reported finding "used condoms, K-Y Jelly, Handi Wipes, wrappers for sex toys" and said "it was just incredible how it was left. Never in the history of this group of people have they ever had anything like this.'" However, an anonymous former player of the Minnesota Vikings claimed that this is not the first time that such an incident had occurred. That leaves a lot to the imagination.

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Troy Farah is an independent journalist and documentary field producer. He has worked with VICE, Fusion, LA Weekly, Golf Digest, BNN, Tucson Weekly, and Phoenix New Times.
Contact: Troy Farah