Attention Arizona Secessionists: Some Considerations for Your Brilliant Plan

With President Obama's re-election, the empty threat from the people who just loathe the Leader of the Free World has changed from "I'M MOVING TO CANADA" to "WE'RE SECEDING."

By "we're seceding," we're referring to the roughly 18,500 people who signed a petition on the Internet, asking the White House to let Arizona secede and start its own government. To those 18,500-plus, allow us to point out some things you may have overlooked in the planning process.

See also:
-Obama Haters Are So Upset That They're Asking the White House to Let Arizona Secede

  • You don't get the whole friggin' thing

Below is a map from the U.S. Geological Survey showing the amount of federal land in Arizona. The original is color-coded by type, we just blacked out the federal land, so the maximum amount of land you'd get is in white.

Sucks, right? No federal forest land, no Grand Canyon, no Luke Air Force Base, no use of the Interstate system. Have fun kicking rocks. We're sure the Americans living in Arizona don't want to move, either, so you'd have to rely on donations. Those donations would likely be Sun City, Gilbert, and Apache Junction.

  • Have fun getting dominated by Mexico

We estimate that you'd have about a week before Mexico says, "Cool, we'll take this, if the U.S. doesn't want it." (They'd probably say it in español.) Tombstone would become a more-popular tourist attraction, as the location where 18,500 idiots got slaughtered, many of them hiding in the O.K. Corral, pretending they were in the Alamo. Any survivors would then become Mexicans, which is probably the top phobia among Arizona's nativists.

  • Any plan for the Native Americans?

A good amount of that federal land pictured above is allotted for American Indian reservations, managed by the feds. Since you're all going with the screw the government mentality, we suppose your new government could order some sort of forced relocation. Why not give something for the textbook-writers to sugarcoat down the road?

  • What the hell do you name it?

Listen, forget the logistics of the whole thing, since it's obvious nobody thought that far ahead. That said, why hasn't anybody picked a name for your new country? Suggestions from our readers thus far include "Dumbastistan," "State of Shitforbrainsylvania," "The Republikkk of Dumbfuckistan." Also, make sure you retain a sculptor throughout the movement, so he can erect that J.T. Ready statue outside the new capitol.

  • It sounds like you've got it all figured out anyway

As the commenter "Fukobama" explained yesterday, "Its got to start somewhere you stupid fucks." Go get 'em, tiger. Several people noted that a vast majority of the petition's signers aren't even from Arizona. This is quite literally the dumbest empty threat we've heard since "I'm going to kick your ass" was uttered on the playground in third grade.

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Matthew Hendley
Contact: Matthew Hendley