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Post-Game: Well, you could go right back to the Drummer after the game and do tequila shooters for a coupla hours. I've done that before.

Another nearby option would include a hike up the hill to the fancy Westcourt in the Buttes for something tall and cool. This would be a good place to rendezvous with any glamorous fashion models you might pick up on at the game between peanut chomps and slurps of beer.

Also, I'm recommending that you make your way toward the corner of Mill and Southern to take advantage of the happy-hour good cheer at Herman's sports bar. This is a regular stop for many sports-media types from around the Valley, but don't let that discourage you. Most of those guys just sit at the bar and grumble, unless, of course, you're willing to buy them beers, in which case they become at least as charming as your typical tow-truck driver.

The real meat of this section, however, comes in the following paragraph. Read it, write it out in longhand a couple of times to help you remember it, stick it to your refrigerator with a Sea World magnet, whatever. Just don't forget it.

This spring, the absolute best place to go after a ballgame (no matter where the game is played) is going to be Greyhound Park, because almost all of the players and coaches will go there at one time or another. Some of them will go there every night. And a few of them will blow all of their per diem meal money at the track, a circumstance that is not hardly as dire as it once was, mostly because almost all of the players are millionaires. Certainly, the track is a bueno entertainment option during any season, but spring is an especially fine time to visit. The outdoor seating areas are just cool enough for napping between races, and the upper clubhouse is the best place in town to watch a sunset, mostly because they'll bring drinks to your table while you ogle Camelback Mountain's changing hues in the distance. Plus, there's these animals that run around you that can gamble on. Like I say, it's neat-o.

And I'm not kidding about the baseball people. They all go to the track, even the ones who cop a family-man plea when you lean over the fence before a game and ask them where all the good orgies are tonight. Steve Stone himself says it's going to be a hot spot this season, and he's on cable TV.

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Cap'n Dave