Five Reasons to Vote for J.D. Hayworth for U.S. Senate

After months of watching J.D. Hayworth make a complete ass out of himself soul searching, we at New Times feel we've been a little hard on the Senate hopeful. Sure, he's a little brash, slightly arrogant, and every time he opens his mouth we feel like were being lied to, but he must have some redeeming qualities, right?

We wouldn't vote for the guy if he were running for dogcatcher and someone had a gun to our head, but we realize some people will, undoubtedly, vote for Hayworth.

In order to assist in your decision making, we've come up with five reasons why J.D. might be the candidate for you.

1) He'll fight to make sure your horse won't try to marry you:

There hasn't been a stronger voice in the movement to prevent human/ equine nuptials than former Congressman Hayworth. J.D.'s led the charge against man-on-horse love since it first became an issue (we say this knowing full-well it wasn't an issue until he brought it up). In any event, if your horse is nagging you to put a ring on its finger, J.D. might be the senator for you.

2) He vants to suck yer blood!:

Hayworth may, or may not, be a vampire. Click here.

3) If you don't like his history he can simply re-write it:

Wouldn't it be great if any bad decision your elected officials made could be simply rewritten in the annals of history? Well, J.D.'s your man. Hayworth made the United States' declaration of war against the Nazis during World War II disappear -- in his own mind, anyway. If Hayworth could harness those same powers to make his history with Jack Abramoff disappear, he'd probably still be in Congress today.  

4) Senators don't typically have their own radio show:

One of the few positive aspects of Hayworth's candidacy is that he's no longer on KFYI spewing ultra-right-wing rhetoric for three hours a day. If Hayworth had run on the exclusive platform that if he won he wouldn't go back to radio, who knows, he might even have our vote. ("Vapor!" -- Right, J.D.? Oh, wait, that's from J.D.'s not-quite-ready-for-Sportscenter days -- not his news career. The news side of J.D.'s brush with journalism was centered more on tracking down Barack Obama's Kenyan birthplace than coming up with lame catch phrases to regurgitate when someone hits a home run.)

5) He's not John McCain:

For some people, that's enough. 

KEEP PHOENIX NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Phoenix New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Phoenix, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
James King
Contact: James King