The Arizona Diamonbanks have gone to a bank for a $20 million cash infusion. Major League Baseball had to co-sign the loan. Hmmmm. Wonder if it was Bank One.
In any case, it's time to trim the payroll and come up with new Colangelic methods of increasing revenue. The Flash has some innovative suggestions and promotions for top management that wouldn't necessarily hinder the "product" on the field.
To wit:
• Postgame raves/bake sales.
• Strippers in the swimming pool.
• Cowpie bingo in the outfield -- during the game!
• Set up Bank One mortgage kiosks near the food booths.
• Allow the pitcher to throw beanballs at any fan speaking on a cell phone.
• Pay Curt Schilling in shillings.
• Pay public-address announcer Jeff Munn by the word, then shut him up. And, oh, yeah, PLEASE REMOVE YOUR CAPS!
• Fine Dan Plesac $5,000 every time Tony Batista hits a homer.
• Fine radio color man Rod Allen $1,000 every time he says, "No doubt about it."
• Fine radio play-by-play man Greg Schulte $1,000 every time he gets giddy like Porky Pig with a microphone. And for heaven's sake, have him plug something with his home run call: "Warning track . . . Wall . . . Metrocenter Mall!"
• Come to think of it, option Allen and Schulte to the minors. While the Flash can tell that Allen and Schulte are super-swell Colangelic guys, they suck. Allen is a living, breathing cliché, and he don't talk all that good. Yet Rod knows all. Rod's done all. He's a sage. He played in Japan. Yadda, yadda. Schulte, meanwhile, still speaks as though he can't believe he's got the job; after almost three years, this banal jocularity has grown wearisome to the point of distraction. Talk-show guru Brad Cesmat, who works some weekend games, is a far superior play-by-play man. Joe Garagiola, who also does some weekend games, is a vastly superior color man. Joe G. Jr. could probably swing a good deal with dad.
• Fine Rich Dozer $10,000 every time he wears that olive suit.
• Fine corporations holding season tickets for every game they let their primo seats sit vacant. This sum would pay for the pitching staff alone.
• Stage a raffle in which a group of lucky fans would go onto the field during the seventh-inning stretch to pummel Baxter the Bobcat with lengths of rebar. If Baxter were to be seriously injured, big deal -- he's already the lamest mascot this side of Nebraska.
• Club Section patrons get food and drink in their seats from waiters. Give them the option of plugging into a urinary catheter. For an extra $20 a game, they could see every pitch.
• Get Alex Cabrera's steroid concession.
• Deport Erubiel Durazo.
• Buck Showalter and Pedro Gomez: Jell-O wrestling.
• David Delucci calendars.
• Establish a contest in which fans guess which inning Randy Johnson will smile.
• When lineup cards are being exchanged, charge fans for the privilege of going to home plate to tickle Showalter.
• Instead of paying for high-priced corporate counsel, just use Craig Counsell.
• Charge a premium for seats in a new, close-in heckling section. There's simply not enough esteem-damaging heckling at D-Banks games.
• Make superfan "Drew" a spokesman for Jenny Craig; take a cut of his endorsement fee.
• Instead of using expensive pneumatic bazookas to dispense tee shirts, have Todd Stottlemyre throw meatballs.
• To keep things interesting and swiftly moving, stage a concurrent chess game whenever Armando Reynoso pitches.
• Get even more rednecks into BOB -- trade for John Rocker.
Another Dem named McGovern?
Phoenix medical malpractice lawyer and 1998 GOP attorney general candidate Tom McGovern fueled speculation that he's considering making an ass of himself when he showed up Monday at the Democratic National Convention in Los Angeles.
"He's just there for laughs and giggles. Nothing serious going on," the receptionist at his firm, Leonard, Clancy and McGovern, tells the Flash.
The trip was spur-of-the-moment, she says. "He had other business to take care of in L.A." and decided to stay overnight and head over to the convention, where his law partner, pal and former boss Grant Woods is covering the event for KFYI radio.
So McGovern's not considering a party switch for 2002? Speculation is that current AG Janet Napolitano will run for governor and McGovern will go for AG -- but in which party?
No switch is in the works, McGovern's receptionist assures the Flash.
"These rumors are evil," she says.
