The holiday spirit has infected the Flash.
Consequently, this Burst of Light is pleased to pass along the following little advice column by Sam Greene, a former cop who patrolled East Van Buren. The Flash isn't certain, but, judging from this essay, surmises that Greene was forced to get out of law enforcement because he possesses wit. In any case, his treatise filled the Flash's heart with good cheer. After all, nothing can wreck the holidays like a trick gone awry. Read on.
As the holiday season approaches, so, too, does the season of loneliness. In the coming weeks, many a lonely man will take to the streets of Phoenix in search of an attractive young prostitute to help see him through. Picking up a hooker, though, can be a hazardous and costly business and can even lead to one being incarcerated. Outlined below are a few tips to help men of all ages make a smooth and easy transaction of sex for money.
There are prostitutes on Seventh Street, Camelback, West Buckeye and East Van Buren Street. While most are disease-infested drug-addicts who would rather slit your throat than have sex with you, the cream of the crop is usually on East Van Buren Street.
When picking out a street hooker, there are several things to remember. If she is tall and slender with perfect breasts, odds are she is a man. If she is dumpy and run-down with beautiful hair, she is a woman wearing a wig. If she is a genuinely attractive female, she is a cop. It is best not to solicit the ones that are cops--they tend to take your money without providing any sex.
Once you have spotted the hooker you want, it is time for the "negotiation." Most negotiations go something like this:
Hooker: "Hey, babe, you want a date?"
Guy: "A date? What do you mean?"
Hooker: "I mean you wanna have some fun, sugar?"
Guy: "What kind of fun?"
Hooker: "You want me to be your girlfriend tonight?"
Guy: "I already have a girlfriend."
Hooker: "Hey, stupid, you want to have sex with me or not?"
At that point, the hooker will usually name some services and the prices that go along with them. She will use terms such as "Half & Half," "Around the World," and "Trip to Alaska." Nobody actually knows what these terms mean, so just nod your head when you hear the price you can afford.
After agreeing on a price, the hooker will get into your car. You will now become aware of any one of several odors. These may include but are not limited to: large amounts of cheap perfume, mace or pepper-spray, or a Circle K chili-dog with onions.
The hooker will now ask you to pay her. You should give her the agreed amount, which she will tuck into her bra. Warning: never let the hooker remove her bra; most have had several children and gravity seems to be especially cruel to prostitutes.
After you have made payment, and found a dark place to park, the services will begin. The hooker will usually place a condom on you and tell you to close your eyes. This is so that she can steal everything in your car that isn't welded down. Most men "finish" between the time she removes the change from your ashtray and the time she yanks the air-freshener from your rear-view mirror.
When the transaction is complete, the hooker will ask you to drive her back to her favorite corner. When dropping the hooker off, try not to pay attention to the enormous man that beats her and takes her money. This is merely her pimp, and it is his way of saying, "Welcome home, honey, I've missed you."
Thanks, Sam. And happy holidays.
A sage once said that people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. But since New Times' windows are made of an impenetrable space-age polymer used in the space shuttle, we'll sally forth.
In its December 7 edition, Fortune magazine cites "The Picks of Congress' New Litter." Included among the six bright newcomers are Colorado's Mark Udall (son of Morris, and the spitting image thereof) and California's Grace Flores Napolitano (the spitting image of Janet, apparently, because that's whose photo ran with the story--Janet Napolitano, Arizona's attorney general-elect).
A similar gaffe was committed by the Arizona Republic on November 22. In a pulsating infobox included in a preview of the Arizona-Arizona State game, the paper featured a "Rivalry Faceoff" between U.S. Representative Matt Salmon and former Maricopa County attorney and local barrister Don Harris. Trouble is, the mo-rons ran a photo of Don Harris the former Republic reporter who went from the dark side to the even darker side as a flack for the state Department of Commerce.
George Slaps John
As the local dailies scramble to scrape together stories about John McCain's presidential push, one national organ has all but dismissed the Snowy-Haired Senator's chances.
McCain made "The George Power 50," the magazine's December list of political power brokers. But Humble John is listed as one of "The Weak"--a "bit player" ranking two thumbs down, just a smidgen above a triple-thumbs-down "outcast."
"Poor John McCain," George writes. "His future looked so bright early this year. He stormed the ramparts for campaign finance reform, and his Senate Commerce Committee rammed through the mammoth tobacco bill. Liberal reporters who fancy liberal Republicans couldn't praise him enough. But both legislative efforts were crushed by forces bigger and stronger than this feisty former POW, leaving him with a pile of press clippings, a great run on the talk show circuit, and the bilious contempt of conservatives. Is this any way to win friends for a White House run in 2000?"
Wonder how that'll play in Iowa.
While torch-bearing barbarians mill around below Sheriff Joke Arpaio's balcony, the Crime Avenger might want to consider this Associated Press report out of Connecticut last week. It bears some rather chilling parallels to accusations made by some of Arpaio's own employees. To wit:
NEW HAVEN, Conn. (AP)--The state's top prosecutor was ordered to pay $2.7 million in damages after a jury found that he retaliated against an employee who publicly voiced concerns about corruption. . . .
Chief State's Attorney John Bailey appeared stunned by Wednesday's verdict against him and said he will appeal.
U.S. District Judge Janet Arterton also ruled Bailey had violated Gregory Dillon's First Amendment rights by ordering him not to discuss his concerns.
Dillon said he was demoted to "the Siberia of the prosecutor's office" after speaking to the media. . . .
Dillon sued Bailey, contending his reputation had been harmed. The jury awarded Dillon $1.5 million in punitive damages and $1.2 million in compensatory damages.
A Shot of Morphing
The Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.
Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.
Doltergeist: A spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.
Contratemps: The resentment permanent workers feel toward the fill-in workers.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Taterfamilias: The head of the Potato Head family.
Guillozine: A magazine for executioners.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate)
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. . . .
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
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