Flashes

Or so The Flash recently discovered, when a tipster noted the jiggly journalist's role as an airheaded bimbo in Chattanooga Choo Choo, a Barbara Eden/Joe Namath comedy shot in Sacramento in 1983.

Cast as a stuttering cheerleader named "Mary Lou," the future newscaster strips down to bra and panties in one scene, shaking her choo-choos for the benefit of horny football players ogling her through a peephole. (Sample dialogue: "Th-th-this br-br-bra, it's too ti-ti-tight.")

Later, when Ford's character comes on to George Kennedy, the anchor's fans are treated to a deep "cleav-cam" shot that lends new meaning to the term "team coverage." Stuttering aside, Ford does manage to get in the last word: At movie's end, the diction-challenged ditz bursts onto the screen, Porky Pig-style, to stammer "Th-th-th-that's all, folks!"

And that is all, folks--Ford declined The Flash's invitation to discuss her derailed movie career.

(Can't find Chattanooga Choo Choo at your local video store?
Not to worry.
Check out film clips of young Jineane's dramatic performance--including her Mel Tillis-inspired striptease--on New Times' online edition: www.phoenixnewtimes.com)

It's All Becoming Clear ...
At Last, a Grand Unified Theory of Arizona Wackiness.
Dubbed the "Cockney Con Man" by the tabloid press, international man of mystery Guiy de Montfort was recently extradited from Arizona to Great Britain, where he had escaped from prison in 1987.

In a lengthy 1995 profile of de Montfort, the Mesa Tribune detailed de Montfort's long career of daring and deception, including his participation in a Sheriff Joke Arpaio fund raiser, during which de Montfort managed to pose with the Crime Avenger for a photograph.

Before he was sent back to Britain, de Montfort admitted to The Flash that his involvement went deeper. The Joke's unerring radar for crime--remember impostor David Pecard?--was once again working at full tilt when he supplied de Montfort with a letter giving the Brit, whose criminal record dates back 35 years, widespread authority to put on the fund raiser.

The Sher apparently didn't bother to check de Montfort out. But why worry? Arpaio had been introduced to de Montfort by fellow newshound Jim Dilletoso.

Finally, the answer to Arizona's political wackiness is becoming clear. We knew there had to be an otherworldly source for the state's unending supply of bizarro politicos, and lately, the final pieces of the puzzle have dropped in.

From outer space.
New Times has learned that the parade of nincompoops ruling our desert paradise, from Evan Mecham to the Joke and the Fifester to the Queen of Mars herself, Frances Emma Barwood, are all part of an alien experiment to judge human tolerance to pain. (Fife was sighted at the movie Contact over the weekend, apparently picking up coded messages from his masters on the planet Albine, which has no sun.)

In discovering this nefarious plot, we have the Arizona Republic to thank, mainly. The paper made it clear it receives orders from extraterrestrials when it relied on Dilletoso for a plethora of stories recently. The paper still hasn't spelled Dilletoso's name right, but it has treated the "ufologist" as a legitimate source for articles in several sections of the newspaper.

It was simply too obvious that the Martian "greys" at the paper, who call themselves "team leaders" in a pathetic attempt to disguise their true nature, purposely ignored previous reporting about the colorful Dilletoso, including a 1994 New Times profile which found that Dilletoso's past was partly fiction.

Dilletoso, who made headlines for his pronouncements about the March 13 "Phoenix Lights" incident, must have thought we weren't listening the other night when, as a guest on the Art Bell radio show, he claimed that he'd been visited recently by the Men in Black. (The Flash did not make that up.)

It just shows how influential Dilletoso is in the UFO community--the Men in Black apparently decided not to neuralize the video wizard. Otherwise, he wouldn't have remembered their visit.

DeConcini's New Gig
Bill Clinton's timing is impeccable. With hearings spurred by the White House's dubious fund raising under way, The Prez had the temerity to name former Arizona U.S. senator Dennis DeConcini to the board of directors of Freddie Mac, the federally chartered corporation that handles home mortgages.

That's like appointing Mike Tyson to the Food and Drug Administration.
DeConcini is perhaps best remembered for his role as a prominent member of the Keating Five, a quintet of lawmakers who did the bidding of S&L fraud king Charlie Keating. Another K5 alum is Senator John McCain. Both took lots of cash from Keating.

The Wall Street Journal notes that Bob Bennett, who is currently representing Clinton in his fight against a sexual-harassment charge, served as counsel to the Senate Ethics Committee that looked into the Keating Five scandal in 1991. Bennett wanted DeConcini disciplined, something the Senate chose not to do.

Ann-agrams
Throughout Governor J. Fife Symington III's criminal trial, his wife, Ann, has busied herself with anagrams. The Flash divined the result of one afternoon's work, below.