Feathered Bastard

Joe Arpaio's B-Day Wish? Your Money, Of Course

He's raped public coffers, cost taxpayers tens of millions to pay for the lawsuits resulting from his malfeasance, swiped $100 million from voter protected funds for his pet projects, and now he wants the county to fork over more millions to appeal a federal judge's finding that his office has engaged in rampant racial profiling against Latinos.

See Also: Joe Arpaio's Andy Thomas-Like Stooge Bill Montgomery Moves to Silence Mary Rose Wilcox on Melendres Arizona Republic's Lame, Naive Solution to the Joe Arpaio Problem: Defund Sweeps

Naturally, I'm talking about Maricopa County's own Sheriff Joe Arpaio, who turns 81 tomorrow, just as lawyers from both sides in Melendres v. Arpaio meet before U.S. District Court Judge G. Murray Snow to figure out how reform the MCSO and rid it of its prejudiced ways.

So what does the biggest bigot in law enforcement want for his b-day? A cake with a burning cross in the center? A new sheet? Some toothless sandbillies on motorcycles to serenade him with their rendition of "Sweet Home Alabama"?

Nah, he wants your money.

That's according to Joe's bride of 57 years, Ava, who claims they need the ducats, as the Grand Dragon of the Grand Canyon State will be running for re-election again in 2016.

That is, as long as his top flack Lisa Allen can prop him up in his chair and make him look lifelike for the TV cameras.

"Would you join me in standing with my husband, Sheriff Joe?" asks Ava in this emailed fundraising pitch, no doubt authored by Arpaio's campaign manager Chad Willems.

"A special contribution of `$81 for 81' would be so greatly appreciated," the letter continues. "However, even $50 or $25 would mean so much."

After all, Joe can't live forever, so Willems needs to vacuum as much out of the wallets of suckers like you while he still can.

Personally, I'd rather send Arpaio 81 banana peels with a note wishing him a glorious trip.

But allow me to suggest instead that Willems continue to suck in the dough and put it to good use: Paying for the cost of the Melendres appeal, an appeal that Arpaio's flunky, Maricopa County Attorney Bill Montgomery, seems hell-bent on giving his aged master.

Monty would rather sock the taxpayers, but Arpaio could man up and offer to pay for the legal tab run up by attorneys trying to defend the indefensible.

Do I think that will actually happen? Sure, it will. About the same time Willems takes a vow of poverty, and devotes himself to serving the Lord.

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Stephen is a former staff writer and columnist at Phoenix New Times.
Contact: Stephen Lemons