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Judging Andy

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Not even if it turns out that you belong to a church that's using the Holy Eucharist to discriminate against the disabled?

"Nothing will drive me away," Moran swore. "Church doctrine is supposed to be 'Take this and eat, all of you.' Not 'some of you.' And I'm going to prove that."

Chuck Arpaio

The Bird forgets. Did it already call Sheriff Joe a reptile in this column? Oh, yeah, it did. How about a cockroach?

Because that's what this extended middle finger fears he may turn out to be. That is, a creature that not even a nuclear blast could kill, like those armor-plated insects that crawled out from under the rubble in Hiroshima near the end of World War II.

Such thoughts were running through The Bird's brain the other day when Arpaio announced for a fifth four-year term as sheriff -- a year and a half before any other politician would even think of announcing for the 2008 election. He must have been jonesing for a press conference; it had been a whole week since he'd held the one where he came out against sheep-fucking ("Baa-aaaaaad News," March 16).

When it heard that he was already announcing, this avian concluded that Joe's so tough that he'd survive his own detention officers' hooding him and strapping his ass into one of those infamous jailhouse restraint chairs.

He's the ultimate Chuck Norris joke.

When local TV news was screeching that the elderly had better beware of the bird flu, a wag around the New Times office quipped: "Maybe Sheriff Joke will get it, and we'll finally be rid of him."

Another chimed in: "Joe Arpaio doesn't get the flu from birds, he gives it to them!"

At the same time he announced for sheriff, he said he'd decided against running for governor, even though he claimed he'd have a great chance of winning.

The Bird didn't say he wasn't senile. But Alzheimer's or not, it appears that no amount of malfeasance uncovered by the likes of New Times will be enough to do Joe in politically as sheriff.

Unless Joe gets brain-addled in his car again ("Enemies List," John Dougherty, April 28, 2005) and this time drives it over the sidewalk and through the shrubbery and over a boulder and into oncoming traffic, we're probably stuck with the sadistic geezer for another 20 years.

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Robrt L. Pela has been a weekly contributor to Phoenix New Times since 1991, primarily as a cultural critic. His radio essays air on National Public Radio affiliate KJZZ's Morning Edition.
Contact: Robrt L. Pela