Legal Sleaze

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And this is not to mention why that boulder was not bolted down!

Thanks to John Micheaels, I now have a $42 million civil suit against the U.S. government for maliciously dull blade technologies and another $42 million suit against the U.S. government for failure to secure mountains.

With Micheaels, Clark & Metcalf on my side, my only concern now is how I'll carry all my money with just one hand.

(Cue attorney John Micheaels.)

Ha, ha, ha! Thanks, Aron, or, as we like to call him, Captain Hook-Me-Up-With-40-Percent.

But don't believe him. Listen to this other Actual Client.

(Cue Actual Client #2.)

At first, I thought John Micheaels, James Clark and James Metcalf had filed the most frivolous lawsuit in the history of American jurisprudence. I mean, who would be stupid enough to seek damages from the U.S. government for people who trusted the word of coyotes, then tried to walk for days across the Sonoran Desert in summer heat without the supplies any Arizona kindergartner would know you need to survive the desert? I mean, not only did the lawsuit seem stupid, it seemed incredibly damaging to public opinion regarding the genuinely sad plight of thousands of Mexican immigrants trying to find a better life in America.

And for God's sake, hasn't the U.S. Border Patrol shown incredible compassion already? What other government has spent so much money on aid stations and rescue units to help bring comfort to foreign nationals actively engaged in breaking the law? It seems like the more compassion Border Patrol agents show, the more scumbag attorneys want to try to sue them.

But then I saw the light.

Hi, my name is Cory X. Morris. Last month, I confessed to the murder of five Phoenix prostitutes. I said I killed the women during sex by using neckties, a nylon strap, my hands and, when appropriate, the victim's hair extensions.

You know how it goes.

Then I explained to the cops that a sixth woman died of unknown causes after I had sex with her.

What upsets me is that police don't believe me about the sixth gal. They keep trying to say I killed six people instead of five. They actually laugh when I say the sixth woman could've had a bad heart, or maybe even committed jealous suicide after she found out about my other girlfriends.

So I called John Micheaels. Right away, John felt my pain and knew how much my pain was worth.

He thought I had been the victim of police brutality. That's how the cops operate, he said. You slip up a little bit, and then they start piling on the charges. Before a citizen knows it, they could be accused of six murders when they've only confessed to five.

I can tell you that half a dozen sounds a lot worse than less than half a dozen.

Now, thanks to John, I have a $42 million suit against the government because it damaged my reputation.

(Cue attorney John Micheaels.)

Thanks, Cory. And thanks for sharing in this difficult time. Here's one more Actual Client.

(Cue Actual Client #3.)

Hi, my name is Billy Bob. I forgot my last name. I stuck my head in a microwave. I couldn't see any waves, but they sure did cook! And I said to myself, it's just crazy wrong that someone's puttin' invisible waves in a box that can cook your brain, iffin' you get cranked and dismantle the microwave's safety features and put your head in there to see what happens. It was so hot that I imagine it felt like walkin' through the Sonoran Desert at noontime in summer heat.

Thanks to Michaels, Clark & Metcalf, I'm suing the oven company for $42 million and the USA for another $42 million. The govment controls the public airwaves, and yet it lets bidnesses run wild with the microwaves.

(Cue Micheaels.)

There you have it. Real people. Real problems. Real taxpayer dollars.

So if you've gotten drunk and suffocated on your own vomit, or been injured after jumping off a building that wasn't tall enough for the fall to kill you, or been emotionally degraded by having to wear a mask while robbing a bank, call me, John Micheaels.

Because at Micheaels, Clark & Metcalf, we believe everything you've ever done, no matter how idiotic, is the fault of the government.

I awoke with a start . . . and a clear head.

It's not my fault that I fry my brain in summer heat for hours on end without water or protection. Why the hell did they allow a city to be built in the middle of one of the world's hottest deserts? Greed and malice, that's why! They hate Midwesterners and Californians.

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Robert Nelson