Feathered Bastard

NRA's Wayne LaPierre and Neo-Nazi Agree on Sandy Hook Solution: More Guns

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Plus, all of 'em should be trained in how to bump fire their weapons, in case they have to rain lead on some fruitcake attacking the school. Bump-firing is a technique where you can make a semi-automatic weapon fire kinda-sorta like an automatic weapon.

Thing is, it's hard to aim when you're bump-firing from the hip. So maybe we should outfit their ARs with a bump-fire stock, an ingenious device you just add to the weapon, which uses the rifle's recoil to help you achieve rapid bursts of fire.

According to one video demo I watched, a 20 round magazine is spent in just 1.6 seconds, 30 rounds in 2.4 seconds. This, with the use of the slide stock. It's legal, approved by the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives, and totally badass.

(Just do a YouTube search for "bump fire," and you'll be hooked.)

Oh, and one Army tank per school might be good, too. For the effect of deterrence, if nothing else. It's the very least we can do to protect the kids, our most valuable resource.

A positive side effect of all this is a boost to the economy. Think of all the people who could be employed, all the guns that would be sold. The cost of training and ammunition. What a great way to prime the proverbial pump. Better than a war, even.

What the pinko liberals who so rudely and seditiously interrupted Mr. LaPierre today don't understand is that guns, gun manufacturers and gun pimps like those at the NRA aren't to blame for this problem with mass killings at schools, theaters, malls, etc

Nope, it's "vicious, violent video games" like Grand Theft Auto and Mortal Kombat, and "blood-soaked slasher films" like American Psycho.

Wait a sec, slasher films involve knives. And were there any semi-automatic ARs in American Psycho? I forget. Jeez, that film's nearly 13 years old.

Anyway, it's like Mr. LaPierre said, "Isn't fantasizing about killing people as a way to get your kicks really the filthiest form of pornography?"

Well, maybe not the filthiest. I mean, have you ever seen "Two Girls One Cup" or even "Lemon Party"? Gross. I'd rather watch American Psycho any day.

Still, I get Wayne's point. The Dark Knight Rises killed those people in Aurora, Colorado, not James Holmes and his guns.

And what about Sandy Hook? I'll betcha anything Lanza had been watching HBO's Boardwalk Empire or FX's Sons of Anarchy before he shot his mom in the noggin, and headed out to kill some more.

What other explanation could there possibly be?

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Stephen is a former staff writer and columnist at Phoenix New Times.
Contact: Stephen Lemons