Still, guess I better do something about these B cups.
I'm on the way to my first doctor's appointment and I'm rehearsing what I'm going to say. I've never considered breast implants before, so I don't know what someone who really wants them would say. I'm totally out of my comfort zone, emotionally and geographically I never go to north Scottsdale.
As I walk into the building in my American Apparel T-shirt and jeans, still trying to decide what to say to the doctor, a pair of Armani-clad fake boobs (attached to a Botoxed older woman) pass me. I can't help but stare.
On the ground floor of this building, there is a surgery center for people who actually have things wrong with them. You know, real medical problems. Even though I'm not going to go through with the implants, I still feel a little superficial and vain walking past them.
When I get upstairs, it's obvious I'm out of my league. The receptionist is flawless. It doesn't look like she has implants, but her skin is absolutely perfect. I don't covet breasts, but I've always been jealous of good skin.
She hands me some forms. After a quick look at them, I decide to lie about certain things. Specifically, the questions asking about smoking, drinking, and recreational drug use. I'm here for boobs, not a lecture.
As I'm filling out my paperwork, I spot a couple of photographs of the doctor. He's in his early 50s, but looks better than half my friends in their 20s. I have no idea what work he's had done, but no one looks this good naturally. I find the picture unsettling. Unfortunately, I won't get a chance to judge this guy's youth in person. This appointment is with his assistant, and this doc only meets patients face-to-face when they agree to surgery. I find this unsettling, too.
I meet his assistant, the Q-tip-testing photographer, and we chat about risks, benefits, and types of implants.
It turns out silicone implants are, once again, all the rage. In 1992, they were pulled off the market. The FDA declared a moratorium on silicone because it was suspected the implants caused cancer and connective tissue disease. Though silicone is preferable to saline implants (which go in deflated and then get pumped up), use was restricted only to reconstructive patients and clinical trials.
But in 2006, the FDA reversed its decision and surgeons everywhere raised their scalpels in joy. The doctors I spoke with tell me that it's preferable to work with because silicone feels more natural and makes a better shape.
I have to agree: The implants are fun to play with.
I got my chance after "Q-tip" was done photographing my chest. She gives me a bra to wear and we start stuffing it with silicone.
"We're going to have you try on implants and you tell me, too big, too small, and perfect," she says. She hands me two implants and I shove them into my bra. I feel like I'm at some kind of bizarre slumber party. She gives me a shirt to try on over them.
I look weird. I already think they're too big, but I have to play along, so I ask for the next size up.
"Okay, just lean forward for me, though," she says. I assume she's just checking the placement, but between the leaning forward and the Q-tip test, I'm starting to think she's making fun of me.
We go up 50cc's. Now I look truly ridiculous. The thing is, I really like my breasts how they are. I think they're the perfect size small but shapely, according to an old friend of mine.
I tell her I think these are a good size.
"Let's go just a little larger," she urges. "I think that looks nice on you, but let's go just a little bigger. We want to keep going until we say that's too big."
We go through this twice more. I'm feeling super-weird and I tell her so.
"Let's go one bigger," she says. "Is that your natural curly hair?"
That's it. She's totally mocking me (and, by the way, it's not. I use sponge rollers most every night told you I was kind of like a librarian.)
I am now packing 500cc's of breast inside my borrowed bra. And I look terrible. It's just excessive. I tell the assistant I liked the second set and she writes that down. I get dressed and ask if I can talk with the doctor before I schedule anything. She says I might be able to meet with him for five minutes or so, but not for another month.