The words "G.I. Joe!" "Nintendo!" and "Barbie!" make Santa's ears ring. His nose plays host to 1,000 viral invaders. His eyes acquire a permanent glaze from 10,000 flash bulbs.
This weekend, members of the corps will hitch up their baggy pants for one last campaign before they hang up their beards and go back to being school-bus drivers, construction workers, grandpas and unemployment-check recipients.
A New Times investigation reveals that some of them--not all of them-- should have remained school-bus drivers, construction workers, grandpas and unemployment-check recipients. This highly subjective analysis is based on several hours of intensive observation and personal experience as a former shopping-mall Santa.
Explanation of some of the criteria: Accessing Santa: The most efficient way to find a particular mall's Santa Claus.
Weekday line length: Measured in "strollers." Figure a three- to four- minute wait for each stroller in line. Line-wait time varies according to number of children per mom, usually a variable based on geographical location of mall.
Photo specs: The price of capturing that special moment.
Santa's helpers: Decent helpers are key to any well-run mall-Santa outfit. They're responsible for crowd control, photography and all commercial exchanges. Helpers who snap their chewing gum, roll their eyes or who present a bored, Valley Girl demeanor are to be shunned. For sure.
Santa's beard: Out in the malls, natural beards are very rare. However, some fake beards are better than others. Straps, beard rigging or natural hair (facial or otherwise) should not be visible. The better fake beards don't hide Santa's mouth.
Santa's boots: Real boots are greatly preferred to artificial, spats-like leggings worn over street shoes. The real Santa lives where it's cold and snowy. He also spends a lot of time around reindeer. He wears boots. The difference, to kids, is the difference between an honest representation of a much-beloved childhood icon and some fool at the mall in a smelly suit.
Santa's age: For obvious reasons, older Santas are vastly superior to young pups.
Santa's eye twinkle: Self- explanatory.
Santa's personality: It's not necessary for a mall Santa to be a rowdy, backslapping, polar yay-hoo. Lots of young kids are scared of loud, obnoxious, unshaven, adult males, usually because they remind them of their fathers. On the other hand, burned-out, mopey Santas look lousy in photos. The ideal character is a cheerful, gentle guy who obviously enjoys the job and who is not obviously desperate for indoor work at $5 an hour.
These are tough criteria, but Santa is a much more important position than most temporary jobs, up to and including vice president of the United States
Chris-Town Mall
1703 West Bethany Home
Accessing Santa: Use north entrance.
Background music: Recorded orchestral favorites. Weekday line length: One stroller.
Santa's setting: Throne sits inside huge sandcastle. Several fairy tales also depicted in sand. Truly amazing setting.
Santa's throne: Hard to see because of location, but it appears to be made of sand, too. Photo specs: Cost of one 3x5 photo--$6.87 plus tax.
Free gift: Coloring book and candy cane.
Santa: Fake beard, simulated boots, no visible eye twinkle, quiet style. Estimated age: 30.
Santa's helpers: Four attractive, but mostly useless, young women. Penalty points: Severe mudslide danger if fire sprinklers are accidentally activated. Bonus points: Santa's stationed near a fry-bread stand.
Fiesta Mall
1445 West Southern, Mesa
Accessing Santa: Go through Broadway or Robinson's.
Background music: Recorded instrumental favorites, heavy on brass arrangements.
Weekday line length: Two strollers.
Santa's setting: Several scenic towers of oversized gift boxes filled with mechanical toys. Santa's throne: Rather ordinary white chair.
Photo specs: Cost of one 3x5 photo: $5.69 plus tax. Package deal (two 3x5s plus four wallet-sized shots): $16.98. Free gift: Crummy, blue stick-on decal of nonrepresentational reindeer-like beast.
Santa: Two of them. One was a tall guy with a good-quality fake beard, simulated boots, decent eye twinkle and forced "ho-ho-ho." Estimated age: 40. The other had a neatly trimmed natural beard, excellent eye twinkle, mellow style but simulated boots. Estimated age: 60.
Santa's helpers: Squad of four-- three youngsters and one senior team-leader. Camera operator couldn't have been more uninterested. Actually filed fingernails while waiting for photo opportunity.
Penalty points: A dozen former believers waiting in line witnessed a disastrous shift change. Santa who left set was robust young man with booming voice. Santa who returned seconds later was slight, gentle oldster. (This was truly a thoughtless Santa error, motivated purely by greed. When two obviously different men are playing The Man, a decent break of some kind should be made between performances. But harried moms waiting in line usually split when Santa heads for the break room, which means lost photo sales and lost cash for SantaCo, Santax International or whoever it is who is taking profit from the mall's Polaroid-making operation. For shame!)
Bonus points: Free cologne squirts available in nearby department stores. Los Arcos Mall
1315 North Scottsdale Road, Scottsdale
Accessing Santa: Use west entrance. Background music: Traditional recorded carols performed on harp.
Weekday line length: No waiting.
Santa's setting: Postmodern clock tower with purple and aqua highlights. Santa's throne: Mod, straight-backed chair. Photo specs: Cost of one 3x5 print: $3.99 plus tax. Special package (two 3x5s plus four wallet-sized pics): $10.99. Spiffy wooden frame offered for about $6. Free gift: One card of stick-on decals.
Santa: Best in town! Had real beard, real boots, big smile, deep voice, great personality and eye twinkle to spare. Estimated age: 60. Santa's helpers: One undermotivated young woman.
Penalty points: Mall renovation under way. Distracting whirr of drill drowned out background carols. Bonus points: No organ store in mall. Metrocenter
9617 North Metro Parkway West
Accessing Santa: North mall entrance, or through either Dillard's store. Background music: Recorded orchestral carols, mixed with seasonal favorites by performers popular among westsiders (Willie Nelson et al.) Weekday line length: Two strollers.
Santa setting: Santa sits at base of Splash Mountain. Extravagant display includes huge fake hill, several mechanical creatures and a working waterfall. Throne: Bench seat of parked sleigh.
Photo specs: Cost of one 3x5 or two wallets: $5.69 plus tax. Mega picture deal (two 3x5s plus four wallets): $15.98. Video of Santa visit: $14.98. Video of Santa visit if you bring your own tape: $9.98. Free gift: Large-format coloring book.
Santa: Fake beard, simulated boots, red lumberjack shirt instead of traditional fur-trimmed leisure suit, no visible eye twinkle. Waved at passing shoppers a lot. Estimated age: 30.
Santa's helpers: Marginally effective battalion of five young women, three in costume.
Penalty points: Placement of sleigh puts Santa directly in line of fire from objects dropped by squirrelly teens prowling mall's second deck. Bonus points: Display of sexy lingerie (pink bustier and stockings with garters) within easy view of dads waiting in line. Paradise Valley Mall
4550 East Cactus, Phoenix
Accessing Santa: Southwest entrance.
Background music: Swinging holiday tunes by Frank Sinatra, the Carpenters, Andy Williams, and Elvis. Weekday line length: Six strollers.
Santa's setting: Wacky ersatz log cabin, based roughly on the Frontierland rustic look of the mall's seasonal decoration scheme. Cute, mechanical animals (including a skunk).
Santa's throne: A cutaway plastic tree stump. Photo specs: Confusing sign offered several different packages. Cost of one 3x5 print (or two smaller wallet-sized shots): $6.87 plus tax. Package of all three: $10.47 plus tax. Larger print offered, but helper says it probably can't be done before Christmas. Free gift: Coloring book and candy cane. Santa: Fake beard, simulated boots, no detectable eye twinkle, somnambular style. Estimated age: 30.
Santa's helpers: Three seemingly competent young women.
Penalty points: Uncomfortably high percentage of moms waiting in line were glamourpusses. Their kids looked like socialites-in-training.
Bonus points: Mall schedules regular storytelling hours for small children by elderly woman portraying Mrs. Claus. Park Central Mall
3121 North Third Avenue, Phoenix
Accessing Santa: Use eastside or westside entrances nearest J.C. Penney's.
Background music: The usual, augmented by regular live carols performed by enthusiastic schoolchildren.
Weekday line length: Two strollers.
Santa's setting: Postmodern structure, surrounded by poinsettias, in sometimes chilly outdoor courtyard.
Santa's throne: Your basic big, fancy chair, augmented by stylishly impressionistic white reindeer.
Photo specs: Cost of small photo (when available): $5. Cost of slightly larger photo: $6. Three large pics (cunningly marketed as "Grandparents Package"): $13.
Free gift: Helium-filled promotional balloon from local radio station (only during promotion periods). Santa: Fake beard, simulated boots, too much make-up, no eye twinkle, out-to-lunch style. Estimated age: 30.
Santa's helpers: One competent, but impatient young woman.
Penalty points: Tempting aroma from nearby Mrs. Powell's cinnamon buns wafts over Santa line.
Bonus points: Santa located close to Penney's Pee-wee Herman fashion collection. Tri-City Mall
1912 West Main, Mesa
Accessing Santa: Use main (south) entrance. Background music: Inaudible because of loud decorative fountain nearby.
Weekday line length: No waiting.
Santa's setting: Simple, old-fashioned gazebo (with dancing toy elves in cupola) surrounded by white picket fence. Also reindeer and sleigh.
Santa's throne: Old chair, painted silver.
Photo specs: Same as Paradise Valley Mall.
Free gift: Coloring book.
Santa: Fake beard, simulated boots, good vocal style, no visible eye twinkle, hard-working during photo opportunities. Estimated age: 40. Santa's helpers: Best in town! Two adult ladies who knew their business. These helpers fussed over kids' clothes and hair en route to some terrific pictures. Penalty points: Mall popular with snowbirds.
Bonus points: Lots of surrogate grandparent types around to give encouragement to Santa-shy youngsters.
Westridge Mall
7611 West Thomas, Phoenix
Accessing Santa: Use south entrance.
Background music: Standards mixed with pop favorites like "Run, Run Rudolph" by Chuck Berry and "Blue Christmas" by Elvis.
Weekday line length: No waiting.
Santa's setting: Castle-like Claus home at the Pole. Mechanical Mrs. Claus (and pet pooch) wave from top floor. Display surrounded by Christmas-tree forest and mechanical critters, including cute penguins in mall fountain.
Santa's throne: Park bench.
Photo specs: Cost of one 3x5: $5.95 plus tax. Cost of "Super Gift Pack": $18.95. Video capability, but no price visible. Free gift: Uninflated Westridge Mall balloon.
Santa: Fake beard, contemporary glasses (boo!), simulated boots over (visible) gray cowboy boots (double boo!), quiet style, no eye twinkle. Estimated age: 30. Santa's helpers: One hard-working adult woman.
Penalty points: Weird recorded sounds of thunder and howling wind in the Christmas-tree forest. Bonus points: Cotton fields located nearby for easy access to fake snow.
