Where' Fife

He's guilty, he's out of office, and he's out of the country. The mainstream press last saw our fraudulent former governor getting off a plane in Miami. Speculation about his whereabouts is

rampant. New Times has learned that Fife employed a series of ingenious disguises to give the slip to the press--well, most of the press. The New Times global network has a tail on Fife as he cavorts with

dignitaries, despots and desperados in one intercontinental fling before he goes to prison. The question is, will he return for sentencing? Would you?

1. Sin Aloha: Fife samples fruits of others' labors at Melones Internacional in the Mexican state of Sinaloa. Fife Symington is a director in the melon ranch, which is known colloquially as "Melones, Mi Nalga." And speaking of melones y nalga, Annette Alvarez is in traditional garb and a frisky mood. He quaffs several shots of mescal and chomps on the worm. Unfortunately, Culiacan New Times' photos of Fife and Annette's fiery flamenco dance are confiscated by the federales. Fife is seen boarding the state DPS plane at a private airstrip. He is handcuffed--to an attache case.

2. Putting the "Con" in Condolence: Guess what? Fife's conviction didn't make the news in London, so he is able to don a kilt, flash his Sheriff's Posse badge and bluff his way into the last rites of Princess Di. When a SoHo New Times gossip columnist goes on the BBC and blows the whistle on the Fifester, angry mourners along the parade route pelt him with flowers and rip off his kilt. They are unable to get the attache case away from him, however. The Scottish Guard serenades him with a rousing rendition of "For He's a Jolly Good Felon." Fife retires to a pub and, after quaffing several pints, insists on being called "Your Disgrace" or "Sir Fife-a-Lot." He capitalizes on the backlash against the paparazzi to avoid further coverage and hightails it for Heathrow.

3. Swiss Sneak: Returning to the city he toured during his 1995 pre-bankruptcy vacation, Fife is seen near the Bank of Fife by a Zurich New Times photographer. There are unconfirmed reports that the three Johns--Dowd, McCain and Yeoman--were also at the bank. He retires to a brauhaus and, after quaffing several steins, heads for the Alps to yodel.

4. Khadafy Duck: The Libyan strongman will grant political asylum to anyone with cash. A Tripoli New Times photog, acting on a tip, watches Fife toke on a hookah and then embark on a desert vision quest, preparing for an audience with Moammar. But when Khadafy discovers "errors and omissions" on Fife's financial statement, he tells Fife to "go pound sand." He casts Fife out of the country, saying he can't believe Fife could be so vile as to rip off union pension funds.

5. Hey, Mon, Cayman: While Khadafy doesn't want Fife's tainted money, there are plenty of financial institutions offshore that are happy to take his deposits. And it's all tax-free. Fife's disguise is nearly complete, as evidenced by this photo, snapped surreptitiously by Georgetown New Times. After opening a new account (and getting this nifty umbrella as a gift), Fife hooks up with Annette (also in disguise) and goes to pound sand, and a flagon of Caribbean rum. After he's had a snootful, Fife tells our man in Cayman that he's buffing up in case that "fucking wimp" Judge Roger Strand throws him in prison. Fife is also overheard to say, "Extradite this!"

Hey, that looks a lot like Mike Lacey's 'stache.

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