We wanted to continue the laughter in response to Fox 10 news anchor Kari Lake's, uh, candid observations about Phoenix New Times, which were revealed last week after they were caught on a camera she didn't know was rolling.
So we asked some of the Valley's best comedians to respond by roasting Lake Superior.
"Kari Lake seems like the type of person who wouldn’t include interns in an active shooter drill 'because they aren’t considered full-time employees,'" offered local comic Molly Bowes (@YoungM0lly on Twitter).
If you're not laughing yet, maybe more setup would help.
Here's some of what Lake said about us after her co-anchor, John Hook, suggested that Fox 10 brass may not want her association with the right-wing Twitter alternative site Parler to get reported in New Times:
"Fuck them. They're 20-year-old dopes," also referring to our publication as "a rag for selling marijuana ads."
The average age of the New Times staff is quite a bit older, but maybe she was trying to flatter us, saying we look much younger than we actually are.
As for the other thing, Lake is only half right.
Yes, we feature ads that promote Valley cannabis businesses. Which, by the way, are absolutely legal and legitimate businesses that provide a better quality of life for medical marijuana patients who are suffering from various conditions. Again, not sure how that can be framed as a put-down.
But it's the "rag" comment that really has us scratching our heads. The only conclusion we can draw from that one is that Lake doesn't know what a rag is. So Kari, if you're reading, a rag is that thing you had to use to wipe the egg off your face after you made the wild claim that a "#GreenForED" parody T-shirt made by "Phoenix's fakest rapper," a Mr. HotRock SupaJoint, was concrete-proof that the #RedForED movement was "nothing more than a push to legalize pot."
Not her only foot-in-mouth moment, and certainly not her last.
We could have done the mature thing and turned the other cheek while patiently waiting for her to shit in her own shoes once again, but maybe the Arizona Republic's E.J. Montini is right. In today's political climate, it's entirely possible that her recurring gaffes might just be her ticket out of Phoenix and onto Fox's network news team.
Given that possibility, we thought it appropriate to ask local comedians to burn Lake as if they were bidding farewell.
Here's more of what they gave us:
"I can't be the only one that sees the humor in her complaining about marijuana ads when all she does are puff pieces."
Rob Maebe (@robmaebe on Twitter)
"Kari Lake is like Tinker Bell if instead of talking in bells she only talked in dog whistles."
Genevieve Rice (@genevieverice on Twitter)
"The water runs shallow in that Lake."
Jill Kimmel (@itsmejillkimmel on Twitter)
"Kari Lake looks like she'd ask to speak to the manager at a lemonade stand."
Courtney Wahlstrom (@bonecrusherqueen on Instagram)
"Kari Lake 'reaches people' the same way Russian propaganda does. Through Fox."
Eric Sobczak (Facebook)
"It's only a matter of time before Kari Lake starts selling weight loss shakes to all of her fans on Facebook."
Hannah Tighe (@hanny_tie on Twitter)
"Now we know Havasu isn't the trashiest Lake in Arizona."
Richie Martin (@richhomiemartin on Instagram)
If you have any Kari Lake roast jokes of your own, let us know in the comments. And if you happen to agree with Fountain Hills Gozer and want to give us the what-for, please react, comment, and share. It increases our social media exposure and draws more eyes to our site, which helps us bring you more of the articles you just can't get enough of.
And if you think these comedians are untalented hacks who ought to stick to their day jobs, please visit one of the Valley's open mics and show them how comedy ought to be done. (That goes for you too, Kari.)
Michael Palladino can be reached on Instagram at @cycle_tarantino