Music News

Firestorm Fest: It's the best lineup of crappy band names in the biz

There are a lot of bad band names out there, but no genre suffers from titular uncoolness like metalcore (which we'll admit we're not fans of). The Firestorm Fest — a mega-event meant to give the frustrated and angry fans of the genre a place to scream and jump into each other — hits town this week, and we can't help but marvel at the lineup they've put together. It's a greatest hits of the crappiest names in the music game, in fact. We have to imagine this is just as bad as naming your kid something horrible like Apple or Moses.

Sworn Enemy
Who are they: Metalcore band from New York City; formed in 2001.
Who were they: Used to be called Mindset, another name that sucks.
Music sounds like: Transformers fucking in 1988.
Name sounds like: The title to a bad comedy starring David Spade and Rob Schneider.

Down to Nothing
Who are they: Straight-edge hardcore band from Richmond, Virginia; formed in 2000.
Music sounds like: The soundtrack to a first-person-shooter video game we played last week.
Name sounds like: A botched attempt at profundity.

Shai Halud
Who are they: Metalcore band from Pompano Beach, Florida; formed in 1995, they have enough former band members to populate a small town.
Music sounds like: What Ted Bundy heard in his head before he killed somebody.
Name stolen from: The Dune sci-fi book series by Frank Herbert. Shai Halud was the holy name given to the giant sand worm of Arrakis by the desert people known as Fremen.
Name sounds like: "Gesundheit" in Arabic.

Who are they: Metalcore band from Los Angeles; formed in 2000.
Music sounds like: What would've happened if Father Damien hadn't thrown himself out a window after being possessed by Satan, instead opting to front a bad punk band from the City of Angels.
Name sounds like: A bad stab at sounding scary.

Who are they: Straight-edge metal­core band from Glens Falls, New York; formed in 2003.
Music sounds like: A very angry, constipated man trying to take a dump to the soundtrack of a prison movie starring "Stone Cold" Steve Austin.
Name sounds like: A G.I. Joe character.

Earth Crisis
Who are they: Vegan, politically charged, straight-edge metalcore band from Syracuse, New York; formed in 1992, dissolved in 2001, reunited in 2007.
Music sounds like: A really good metal band with some guy ruining it by screaming unintelligibly.
Name sounds like: A DC Comics pan-title crossover series.
Name also sounds like: A bad Animal Planet documentary series for kids.