700 Miles Isnt Long Enough
Dear Gabacho:
'Cause this land once belonged to Mexico — kidding!
I'm not sure what prompts your question. Amnesty advocates wish to legalize all the 12 million or so undocumented immigrants in this country (except for the Guatemalans, of course). The only group that demands special treatment for Mexicans is the Mexican government, and no one takes that bag of pendejos seriously, not even Mexicans. All nationalities deserve a shot to smuggle themselves into this country, and all nationalities take it. Mexicans constitute just a little more than half of all the illegal immigrants in the United States, according to a March 2006 report by the Pew Hispanic Center. The same report estimates that other Latinos represent 22 percent of border-hoppers, while chinos chip in with 13 percent, and Europeans and Africans make up the rest of the chunk. I don't think I have to talk about why wabs make up such a disproportionate number of the illegal population, but if you want a quick explanation, read my response to the following question . . .
How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Gabacho Really Wants To Know
Dear Gabacho:
Just one. But then Juan will tell his relatives about how screwing in gabacho light bulbs pays more than screwing in Mexican ones, and the reconquista begins.
Have you noticed how Bill OReilly, Lou Dobbs, and Glenn Beck go on and on about Mexicans and immigration? It seems as if they fear the taco truck more than the Taliban. I think they go nuts because some Mexicans look like Arabs or Muslims. I blame all the prietos for this. Thats why theyre always the bad guys in the telenovelas. Damn prietos always fucking shit up. Saddam Hussein looked like my freakin uncle with the ostrich boots, and I can easily pass for the Iranian president. All I need is a khaki Members Only jacket.
Muslim-Looking Mexican
Dear Wab:
Lay off the Cazadores for a day, qu no? Your pregunta is as splatter-happy as Jackson Pollock — Taliban this, O'Reilly that, and then you use a word that requires an explanation for the gabachos! But there is some method to your chingadera, so let's begin. The fact that many Mexicans look like they're fresh off the camel is because of the Moorish-Iberian mutts that colonized the Americas. Swarthy foreigners have always inspired fear amongst gabachos (read Edward Said's Orientalism for a better treatise on the subject), so you're probably right in theorizing that Mexican-hate draws from this same archetypal well and inspires added venom thanks to the unconscious Mexican-Muslim connection. And you confirm your suspicion by blaming the prietos, which are what Mexicans call the darker-skinned members of our race. They suffer the brunt of our jokes, get portrayed in the Mexican media as little better than maids and bandidos, and must suffer with the stigma of their bronze complexion for life. It doesn't matter that the Mexican intelligentsia mythologizes the country's indigenous past, or that way more Mexicans are prietos than güeros (light-skinned) — if you're a brownie amongst beaners, you're caca out of luck.
