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LOOK WHO'S THINKING

What do babies think? Due to an incredible scientific breakthrough accomplished with the newest and most sophisticated brain-wave analysis devices, it is now possible to literally read the minds of infants.

Despite the potential "brain drain" risks reported in a recent Newsweek magazine cover story (one test child was rendered so mindless he is now mistaken almost daily for Max Hawkins), I recently allowed my seven-month-old daughter to undergo a "head read," conducted in her natural environment. Here are the results.

Oooh! Look at that! I don't know what it is, but I'm gonna try to eat it . . . Hey! What was I doing? I forget. I hate it when that happens. Oooh! Look at that, over by the chair! I don't know what it is, but I'm gonna try to eat it . . . Uh-oh. What's goin' on in my shorts? WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! Oops. False alarm.

Where was I? Oh, yeah. I was gonna try to scale our home entertainment center. Now if I can just hoist myself up on this wire. No good. Maybe if I wrap it around my neck thusly . . . Whoooops! Hey! I'm flying! Superbaby flying through the skies to save the world from total destruction! . . . I'm flying into . . . oh, no! my playpen! WAHHHHHHHHHH! Help! Save me! WAHHHHHHHHHH! Not the playpen! Oooh! Look at that! I don't know what it is, but I'm gonna try to eat it . . . Uh-oh! There's that rumbling noise again. Maybe it's another false alarm. Nope! It's a mud slide! Run for your lives, everyone! Run for your lives! WAHHHHHHHHHH! . . . Phew! Mom showed up just in time. I was almost buried alive . . . EEEYOWW! Where you been keepin' those baby wipes, in the Deepfreeze? Next time, how about at least chipping the ice off 'em first?

Hey! I'm flyin' again! Wheeeee! Superbaby! Flyin' right into . . . my crib? No! No! Please, no! I'm not sleepy! Really! Heck, if I was sleepy, I wouldn't have the energy to do this: WAAAAaaaaAAAAHHHHhhhhHHH! Or, for that matter, this: WAAAAaaaaHHHAAAAaaaHHHH hhhhhaaahhhHHH! Now lemme outta here! Mom? Mom? ZZZZZzzzzzz.

Huh? Hey, where am I? Hmm. Still in bed. Mom must have knocked me unconscious and left me here, trapped like a rat. Maybe I can climb out. Oooh! Look at that! I don't know what it is, but I'm gonna try to eat it . . . Hey! There's Dad! He'll bust me outta this joint! Hey, Dad, where ya goin'? You forgot to pick me up! WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! . . . Ha. It worked. What a sucker. Hiya, Dad. You know, you'd be a pretty good-looking guy if you didn't have all that hair on your face. Here, lemme rip it off for you with my world-famous vise grip.

Oh, calm down. Lemme try again, using both hands . . . Okay! Okay! I'll just yank out one hair at a time . . . Sheesh. What a wimp. How about I just sink my dainty little razor-sharp baby fingernails into your face?

WHOOOPS! I'm flyin' again! No! NOOOO! Not back to the playpen! WAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! Oooh! Look at that! I don't know what it is, but I'm gonna try to eat it . . . Hmmm. I'm famished, and this mystery food ain't helping. Time for the dinner bell. WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

Joy of joys. Here comes Mom with some eats! This may be a dump, but the service ain't bad. What are we gettin' tonight, Mom? . . . Wow! Strained peas! My favorite! Gimme a big ol' honkin' spoonful. Mmm-mmm, good!

Say, Mom, now that my mouth is full of strained peas, wanna see my impression of an outboard motor? Watch this. It's great. PFFFFFFFFFFTHHHH! Not bad, huh? Hey! Where'd the strained peas go? And where'd this bottle come from? I don't want a bottle. Here. I'll demonstrate by throwing it on the floor. See? . . . What are you doin'? I don't want the bottle! What's the matter with you? No habla ingles? Watch closely. When I throw the bottle on the floor like this, it means, "Ixnay on the bottle, more strained peas." Got that?

No. You don't. Okay, let's go over it again. Are you paying attention this time? When I throw the bottle like this, it means if I wanted this stupid bottle I wouldn't keep tossing it on the floor! Comprende, amiga? In other words, More strained peas! More strained peas! More strained . . . Whoooops! Superbaby is flyin' back to the living room floor! Well, it's about time! Let's see. What was I doing before I was so rudely interrupted? Oh, yeah. I was scaling the home entertainment center. Where's that wire? Oooh! Look at that! I don't know what it is, but I'm gonna try to eat it . . . "Say, Mom, now that my mouth is full of strained peas, wanna see my impression of an outboard motor?