The Flash was button-poppin' proud to do patriotic duty in the polling booth on Tuesday. Actually, it wasn't a polling booth; it was more like a polling kiosk.
This Burst of Light developed writers' cramp while once again voting to turn out all the judges--and also found time to wonder: Is there some law that says all poll employees must have voted for FDR? Twice?
Just as the Flash was inking a defense of cockfighting, a spry old codger danced into the church hallway and inquired, "Where is everybody? Where are the lines?"
"Not here," a grizzled poll worker replied.
Wiseacre: "I thought there would be cocktails. Happy hour."
The poll worker didn't miss a beat: "That's on the ballot."
Brought to you by the wonder of anonymous e-mail, the Flash is pleased to repeat the Top 10 Things We Want to Hear Samuel L. Jackson (starring as Jedi Master Mace Windu) Say in the Star Wars Prequel:
10. "You don't need to see my goddamn identification, 'cause these aren't the motherfuckin' droids you're lookin' for!"
9. "Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know 'cause I'd never eat the filthy motherfuckers."
8. "This is your father's light saber. When you absolutely, positively have to kill every motherfuckin' stormtrooper in the room, accept no substitute."
7. "If Obi-wan's ass ain't home, then I don't know what the fuck we're gonna do 'cause I ain't got no other connections on Tattooine."
6. "Feel the Force, motherfucker."
5. "'What' ain't no planet I've ever heard of. Do they speak Bocce on 'What'?"
4. "You sendin' the Fett? Shit, Hutt, that's all you had to say!"
3. "Yeah Chewie Rocky Horror's got a hair problem. What's a brother gonna do? . . . He's a Wookiee."
2. "Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch?!"
1. "Hand me my light saber. It's the one that says 'Bad Motherfucker.'"
Florida's Own Joke
Elected in 1992, the sheriff quickly made a name for himself by taking away frills in his jails such as coffee and cable television, and later began charging inmates $1 a day for meals and other charges when they made doctor visits. He also got national press attention for using surplus military equipment, as well as stepping on human rights in his attempts at creative law enforcement.
Sheriff Joke Arpaio? No, his evil twin in Marion County, Florida, Sheriff Ken Ergle.
Like Arpaio, Ergle was a media hound and one of the most popular elected officials in central Florida. And, like Arpaio, he played fast and loose with a pot of public money that wasn't being watched very carefully.
In 1996, New Times discovered that the Jokester had used a little-known state fund intended for improving the jails for non-jail expenses. Arpaio had dipped into the fund to pay for parties for his posse members, videotapes of his television appearances, automobiles for his staff and payments to a private attorney in a lawsuit he promised wouldn't cost the taxpayers a cent. Despite catching the Crime Avenger red-handed, and after a state audit confirmed that Arpaio had misused more than $120,000 of taxpayer money, the Joke suffered no more than a scathing letter from the state.
In Florida, where prosecutors are actually required to have spines, Ergle wasn't so lucky.
On October 16, Ergle was arrested and resigned his post after the state of Florida accused him of stealing more than $170,000 in county funds from a special account. The money was supposed to be used to pay informants in undercover operations, so there was little or no oversight of Ergle's spending. Instead, he'd used it to bolster a lavish lifestyle. If he's convicted, Ergle faces up to 35 years in prison and $20,000 in fines. He bailed himself out of his own no-frills jail on a $15,000 bond and is currently awaiting trial.
The Jokenheimer would never be so stupid as to blow a lot of public scratch on his ownself. He's far too fond of his bully pulpit to take such a risk. But he certainly isn't shy about brazenly ignoring many laws he's sworn to uphold--especially those covering such inconveniences as civil rights, access to public records and lawful spending.
Live, Local, Latent
You say your workplace is an orgy of gossip, bitching and moaning? If you want to see how the other half lives, check out the whining on the Web site www.newsblues.com. The site contains rants from television types from around the nation--mostly from disgruntled lower-level employees. The whining on newsblues is every bit as bad as that on the print media's companion Web site, www.newsmait.com, excerpts from which this Glint of Glitter has featured on occasion.