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Flashes

A Seering Flash
The Flash's official predictions of significant happenings in 1998 (actual events may vary):

January 1--Kansas State plays Syracuse in Tostitos Fiesta Bowl. Both teams are colorful.

January 2--Sandra Dowling exchanges all her Christmas gifts for slacks.
January 3--New River is renamed New Crater.
January 4--Several ASU hoopsters are caught in the locker room, shaving.
January 6--Marvin Weide starts spelling his name Weedy.

January 12--Sheriff Joke Arpaio announces adoption of yet another new volunteer organization, the Sinaloan Cowboy Posse.

January 18--The Arizona Republic reports that Nirvana has "officially broken up."

January 28--Reuben Ortega is named new chief of police in Chandler.
February 1--Sheriff Joke announces adoption of yet another new volunteer organization, La Cosa Nostra Posse.

February 2--An addled Judge Roger Strand sentences J. Fife Symington III to a "superlong" prison sentence. Symington tells reporters he still holds a dim view of the federal judiciary.

February 3--After a daylong bender at the Ritz, John Dowd and John Kolbe stage a harrumphing contest, damaging some drywall. Dowd wins.

February 5--Mary Rose Wilcox is detained after tripping an airport metal detector.

February 14--State Senator John Kaites leaves his wife for Ann Symington, but says he's merely exploring his options.

February 30--Phoenix City Manager Frank Fairbanks and councilman Phil Gordon launch a coup, but abort it when they realize they're already in complete control.

March 7--Under intense pressure from the Supreme Court, the Arizona Legislature votes to provide new slates and inkwells to all Arizona schoolkids.

March 11--Antonio McDyess is traded for Eldon Campbell.
March 13--"Phoenix Lights" make an anniversary appearance, beaming up Frances Emma Barwood.

March 14--Scientists in Scotland announce they've cloned Paul Johnson.
March 15--Over her protests, aliens bring Barwood back. Her only comment: "They done 'speeramints."

March 16--The Arizona Republic reaches a milestone--its millionth story about the Arizona Diamondbanks.

March 29--Marianne Moody Jennings catches her husband in a hotel room with Frank Gifford.

March 31--The Diamondbanks debut in Bank One Ballpark. Several players slide safely, even though the roof won't.

April 1--Bank One Ballpark becomes the first major league park to install ATMs in the dugouts.

April 2--Grant Woods is arrested for swinging a Woody at the ballpark.
April 3--Secretary of the Interior Bruce Babbitt unveils his new TV commercial for Gila River Casino. His opening line: "Hey, idiots, NOW LISTEN!"

April 14--Bowing to pressure from Native Americans, the Phoenix City Council votes to rename Squaw Peak. New name: Squaw Mountain.

April 24--Humans flee Glendale.
April 27--Scottsdale police record a benefit rap album.
May 2--Steve Wilson: mohawk.

May 5--Chandler hosts its new holiday festival/rodeo, the Cinco de Mayo Roundup.

May 7--Kevin Johnson is kicked out of his HMO.
May 9--The bodies of several dozen homeless people are found in shallow graves in Margaret T. Hance Deck Park.

May 12--After a particularly cloudy El Nino spring, the Arizona Legislature finally caves in and approves Daylight Saving Time.

May 15--Bill Frieder is named new head coach at UNLV.
May 19--Dan Dunn becomes so twisted he is forced to go on disability.
May 20--U.S. Representative J.D. Hayworth is arrested for stumbling around the halls of Congress after-hours in a bathrobe, scratching himself and stealing candy from people's desks.

May 21--The Republic reports that Lynyrd Skynyrd has "officially broken up."
May 26--Several Phoenicians realize that Antonio McDyess was traded for Eldon Campbell.

June 1--People complain that the air conditioners in Bank One Ballpark don't work. Diamondbank officials remind them they are surrounded by fans.

June 16--Sheriff Joke announces formation of yet another volunteer organization, the Crips Posse.

June 24--Sam Campana registers concern.
June 26--U.S. Representative Bob Stump announces his retirement, effective immediately.

June 27--The Hohokam return.
July 2--Skip Rimsza and Dan Harkins announce a plan to build a massive drive-in theater where the Adobe Course used to be. It will be called Cine Caprice.

July 4--Mary Jane Cotey debuts with a new talk gig on KFYI.
July 7--Margaret Mullin confesses to the killings of the homeless people.
July 8--In a joint communique, Walgreens and Osco stores admit: "Hey, we're just giant convenience stores that have minimum-wage clerks and incredibly overworked pharmacists in the back dispensing drugs." Coming soon: Prozac Slurpees and gasoline pumps.

July 11--Bill Bidwill announces he's found a suitable venue for the Cardinals: North High Stadium.

July 14--It's really hot.
July 15--As the gubernatorial campaign heats up, Paul Johnson seems to be everywhere.

July 19--Jerry Colangelo smiles.
July 30--Tempe officials order closure of the last independently owned business in that city.

August 1--At a gubernatorial debate, Jim Howl gooses Jane Dee Hull. Hull viciously head-butts Howl, fracturing his nose and shoving cartilage into his brain. During his rebuttal, Howl announces lottery numbers.

August 15--David Hendershott is incorporated as a county.
August 23--During a retreat, top editors from the Republic are amused to discover that they all mistakenly believed all the other editors thought Bill Goodykoontz was funny.

August 26--Margaret Mullin is named downtown czar for San Francisco.
September 8--The liberaleastcoastmediaelite discover that John McCain can be a jerk.

September 15--Somewhere, someone will report that a child must undergo "a painful series of rabies shots."

September 17--The Diamondbanks offer a new TV programming feature, Pay Per Pitch.

September 18--Eddie Basha is annoyingly noble.
September 26--Clancy and Tropiano are gravely injured when a giant name is dropped on them.

October 14--Riding a crest of five straight wins, the Cardinals sell out North High Stadium.

October 19--Rick DeBruhl shaves off his unibrow.
November 3--In a shocking development, Dan Harkins is elected governor on the campaign theme: "A cineplex in every home." All the Paul Johnsons become organ donors.

November 10--New East Valley landmark: TRW Crater.
November 12--Art Hamilton yawns.
December 5--Tempe officials announce they will begin franchising their form of government.

December 7--The USS Arizona remains sunken.
December 19--Midway through one of his touching holiday TV ads, Lou Grubb spits and cusses like a sailor for 20, 25 seconds straight.

December 22--Arpaio donates his hair to science.
December 24--Scientists announce that Arpaio's hair could provide the power needs of Nevada for several months.

December 25--The Fifester escapes by hiding in a melon truck.
December 30--Pat McMahon is made into glue.
December 31--Arpaio is found, horrifically pecked to death by emus.