Coyote Ugly
Cool Futures, which touts itself as a group of Scottsdale residents committed to building a practice ice rink for the Phoenix Coyotes on a 15-acre site near Pima and Bell roads, is baring its teeth.

In a deposition taken earlier this week, Donna Vizcaino, one of Cool Futures' most visible "grassroots" activists, admitted that Phoenix Coyotes' pawprints are all over her group.

She admitted that a publicist from the Phoenix Coyotes helped organize Cool Futures and gave her lots of advice on how to battle rink opponents.

She admitted that the Coyotes selected and will "probably" pay legal fees racked up by Snell and Wilmer, a pricey law firm representing her and others in a lawsuit that aims to block a June 24 referendum, organized by anti-rink neighbors, in which Scottsdale residents will decide whether the rink will be built on the Bell Road site.

She admitted that the Coyotes have promised to indemnify her against any "monetary damages connected with lawsuits" filed against her.

In fact, she said, it is her "understanding" that the "Phoenix Coyotes are paying for the cost of basically just about everything."

Nice grassroots, Donna.

What a Crack-Up
Chiropractor/lobbyist Alan Immerman took his share of whacks in the press last week, after it was revealed that he cracks the backs of the Arizona legislators he lobbies.

Apparently, nothing will straighten this guy out. After his spine-tingling adjustments made A1 of the Arizona Republic, Immerman was overheard in the second-floor House lobby, bragging: "I have a new slogan: If you'll stick your neck out for me, I'll massage it."

Doesn't a masseur need a separate license?

Dilly Bars for Xmas
Arizona Child Care Association champion state Representative Bob Burns retired from the day-care business effective April 1, when he sold his five child-care centers.

The Glendale Republican's business has been the source of contention for years, given his penchant for sponsoring child-care deregulation measures--and his refusal to recognize what many saw as a conflict of interest.

All that is history, apparently. Burns' new biz? He's diversified, The Flash is told. The Burns family now owns and operates the Christmas Cottage in downtown Glendale, and is building a Dairy Queen in Sun City West.

Brace yourself for an assault on restaurant and tinsel regulations.

They've Got You Covered
Three years ago, in April 1994, the Phoenix Police Department vice squad answered a call to nature at the Monastery, a backyard bar on 28th Street just north of Indian School Road. Their mission was to confiscate the ancient montage of pinup nudes in the men's and ladies' rooms at the bar. Never mind that they'd been part of the joint for 20 years. Mac MacDonald, the bar owner, was able to talk them out of confiscating his artwork by promising, as he told New Times back then, to "cover every butt and every pube."

Which he did. Today, the murals in the men's room show nothing more exciting than babes in bikinis.

Yet on April 3 of this year, like some prudish comet on a three-year orbit, the vice squad returned with a vengeance--and a screwdriver. The night before, a bartender had forgotten to collect five cents from a visiting cop; the bar had been passing out nickel-a-beer cards as a promotion. MacDonald was told that uncollected nickel would cost him $300 in fines for giving away a drink.

And since the long arm of the law was already on the premises, it reached into one of the rest-room stalls to confiscate a three-foot by four-foot painting of a woman's bikinied torso, which the cops decided was in violation of liquor statutes because a bit of areola--not even a nipple, mind you--was peeking out from the bikini top.

Then, in a back room, they found a montage of photos from a party 20 years ago, in which some of the revelers in those wild, liberal times were actually exposing their breasts. The prudent cops dismantled the frames to remove the offensive Polaroids.

"They had to stand on furniture to get them," MacDonald says.
That infraction, the officers told him, would cost another $500.
As of this writing, MacDonald has not yet received a ticket. Nor has he gotten back his pictures.

But the cops didn't get all the photos they could have.
"There were some dicks in there, too," MacDonald says.
Perhaps they looked familiar.

Coffee Achievers
Seen huddling Tuesday at the Coffee Plantation at Biltmore Fashion Park: former Phoenix mayors Paul Johnson and Terry Goddard, both Democrats and also-rans in the 1994 gubernatorial primary from which Eddie Basha emerged.

The Flash wasn't close enough to overhear much, but at one point heard Johnson blurt, "I was too a better mayor than you!"

Just joking.
Johnson, who has made his intentions as a gubernatorial candidate known, was no doubt hoping to enlist Goddard's endorsement--if not his labors--on behalf of the Johnson campaign, which The Flash has heard will assiduously avoid the terms "hammer" and "hug."

Goddard, who appears to have aged considerably since he was in the public spotlight (marriage can do that to a person), reportedly hasn't ruled out another long-shot run for governor.

Perhaps Terry was trying to talk Paul into supporting him.
Or perhaps both simply were lamenting that they forsook the bully pulpit the City of Phoenix's mayor enjoys, only to crash and burn in rural Arizona.

Daze of Equine and Rose's
From the poetic justice files . . . former Phoenix Cardinals and Alabama football coach Gene Stallings was trampled by horses (not Denver Broncos) last Sunday at his ranch in Paris, Texas.

Arizonans recall Stallings for his futility as the Cardinals' coach, and for knocking then-governor Rose Mofford loopy. Not long after Mofford became governor, Stallings fell off a dais at a public event in Yuma and dragged Rose down with him. Rose bonked her beehive and, some say, hasn't been the same since.

Stallings repeatedly flagellated himself for the unnecessary roughness with Mofford, a former softball maven from Globe.

Meanwhile, back at his ranch, Stallings sustained a broken hip when three hungry colts (not from Indianapolis) bolted for the chow.

"It was a dumb thing to do," Stallings said of the feeding frenzy he'd precipitated.

Wonder what he'll say once the NCAA finishes investigating the football program at 'bama.

Bats Perform Seal Act
What follows is the Memo of the Week, which was posted at the state Capitol.
TO: All Employees of the State Capitol
Executive Tower
FROM: Kent Bosworth,
Assistant Director General Services Division
SUBJECT: Mexican Free-Tail Bats

The Department of Administration has discovered a colony of Mexican Free-Tail bats temporarily residing behind the State Seal on the west face of the Executive Tower. According to Game and Fish, these bats are migratory and will vacate the area within the next month.

These bats are harmless and are not known to carry disease. However, with the large number of bats behind the Seal, one may become injured and fall to the ground. If you see a bat on the ground, please contact the General Services Division . . . and we will have it removed.

Hmmmm. The Flash wonders if this incursion of winged mice might be the result of a new gubernatorial initiative. Think about it. The critters have some distinct traits that just might appeal to Fife: They're batty, they're Mexican, and--hey, hey--free tail!

Feed The Flash: voice, 229-8486; fax, 340-8806; online, [email protected]