Bite Me was having her hair, er, styled the other day and found herself deeply engrossed in a conversation with her mane magician Katrina about passion fruit and mango. Not the kind they pretend to throw into shampoo so you think you're scrubbing your strands with au naturel ingredients. No, the kind of fruit they soak in a delightful bucket of rum and vodka. Now that's fruit Bite Me would happily devour. She simply had to find out where she could find such magic.

Katrina turned Bite Me on to a joint where she could score the fruity concoction and food as well -- not just any food, but food of the raw fish variety. Jackpot!

The sushi at Sapporo in Scottsdale turned out to be amazing. Their eel is simply spectacular. And their Wa Wa Roll? As Chachi used to say about Joannie . . . wa wa wa! A delectable combination of snow crab, asparagus and crab.

The interior of Sapporo is glorious. Multileveled and stuffed to the gills with chefs at sizzling grills, the place just dazzles you when you walk inside. You almost expect flashbulbs to go off. Everywhere you look you see a cluster of hot blonde chicks sashaying up to the sushi bar or sucking down stiff cocktails on the outdoor patio. It's got it all. It's a pickup joint and a stellar sushi joint, and then there are them fruit drinks that brought Bite Me there in the first place. Bite Me was salivating in anticipation of tasting the Passion Mango Martini. With good cause. It took one to get her good and toasted. One. Fortified aplenty, Bite Me relaxed and waited for good-lookin' people to bother. She felt sure she'd get some typical Scottsdale betties out lookin' for action. After her previous week's adventure chasing down strip club customers, she thought she'd seen all there was of the underbelly of this here strait-laced town. On the contrary. Seems the Phoenician asses ain't quite as tight as Bite Me'd thought. Heh, cool.

Linda Nguyen and Ben Graff


Bite Me: So what do you do?

Linda: I'm a waitress.

Bite Me: Here?

Linda: No, at the Cheesecake Factory.

Bite Me: I've never eaten there. Is it good? What do they have besides cheesecake?

Linda: They have everything, steaks, burgers, salads, sandwiches, pastas, seafood . . . oh, and cheesecake.

Bite Me: What did you eat here tonight?

Linda: We had the teppanyaki.

Bite Me: Was it yaki or not so yaki? (Bite Me is well aware that she be comin' 'cross as some manner-o-dipshit. She don't be carin'.)

Linda: It was great.

Ben: We had the Pacific Rim chicken; they cook everything right at the table.

Bite Me: Sounds cozy. Where do you work, mister man?

Ben: The Melting Pot.

Bite Me: Wild! Do you get a lot of couples there? I saw a menu from there. It made me salivate. (Bite Me wonders what kind of first date that would be, sharing meat on a skewer dipped in sauces. What is it like to see a person you just met double-dip? You share spit before you, well, share spit. That's some serious intimacy.)

Bite Me: How long have you two been together?

Linda: Four years. (Bite Me is shocked by this revelation. She'd have sworn these two were on a first date. It provided her with some hope that long-term relationships can actually retain spark.)

Bite Me: How'd you two meet?

Ben: We met at ASU. We were in the same dorm.

Bite Me: So what do you want to be when you grow up?

Linda: He's going to law school next fall. We don't know where.

Bite Me: Well, Ben, are you bringing your girl to law school?

Ben: Yeah. We don't know where we're going. But we're together for sure. We don't know where we'll end up, but . . .

Linda: We decided, wherever he goes, we go.

Bite Me: Oh, you're so cute.

Laurel Hertz

Content sales manager, Hustler

Bite Me: Hertz? Like rent-a-car? Are you related?

Laurel: I wish. I work for Hustler.

Bite Me: My hero. Larry Flynt. Do you know him? (Bite Me isn't lying about lovin' Larry. She saw the guy regularly at her favorite diner in Hollywood. He actually resembles a bullfrog but there's still something so bad-ass lookin' about the guy. He sells mass porn unapologetically and still claims to love the Lord. Ya gotta love that.)

Laurel: No. I work on the Internet site. We sell Hustler's video feeds to other adult Webmasters.

Bite Me: Oh, okay. So are you really busy because everybody loves Larry?