Feathered Bastard

G-man Jackoff: FBI Agent caught with pants down at UofA

J. Edgar Hoover must be rollin' over in his bloomers: One of his FBI agents, a hardened criminal? That's the tale told by campus cops at Tucson's University of Arizona, where Agent Ryan Seese was arrested May 3, shortly after a cleaning lady observed him whackin’ off in the women's restroom of the student union. Um, allegedly.

According to the campus police report,

“As she was wiping off the last stall door, furtherest south, the door was opened by a white male standing inside the stall with his pants below his knees. (The woman) went on to say she saw his penis and the male was masturbating by rubbing his hand over his erect penis.”

And they wonder why the Bureau didn't catch the 9/11 hijackers.

Seese fled the bathroom after exposing himself, and the cleaning lady's supervisor called the campus cops. Officer Gary Fountain soon arrived and walked with the frazzled custodian back to the scene of the crime. He writes,

"I was standing outside of the women's bathroom with (the cleaning lady) waiting for the women using the bathroom to exit, when I saw a male walk out of the same women's bathroom."

Seese apparently thought his mission too vital to abandon. Or maybe he just went back for seconds. What a moron! If the dood had taken off right after he flashed his pole to the maid, they probably'd never have caught him. These are the kinds of geniuses we employ at our nation's premier law enforcement agency.

In any case, as soon as he reappeared, the custodian cried "That's the guy!" And Seese took off faster than Agents Mulder and Scully after a UFO. With Officer Fountain hard on his heels, the chase continued to the parking garage where Seese stopped and Fountain told him to get on the ground. When Seese didn't move fast enough, Fountain "grabbed the back of his shirt collar and pulled him backward." Seese "spun around and knelt on his knees." Fountain cuffed the G-man as other officers came to assist.

Officer Greg Ewer asked Seese if he had identification.

“He said, ‘No, I don’t have it on me.’ I asked where his ID was and he said, ‘I’m in law enforcement.’ I asked what agency and he said, ‘FBI,’” Ewer wrote in the report. Seems the wanker left his badge and gun in his car before going undercover.

Patting Seese down, Ewer noticed a metal object sticking out of the man's front pants pocket. Ewer asked him what it was.

"Um, a mirror," Seese replied. Hey, at least it wasn't strapped to one of his shoes.

Seese was then taken to a holding area where police swabbed his hands for samples and made him take off his clothes, now evidence. The FBI version of Paul Rubens was cited on three counts: indecent exposure, public sexual indecency, and criminal trespass.

No word yet on whether it was a “repeat” offense.

Seese was later released, with his FBI supervisor stopping by to pick him up. Aww, isn't that sweet.

Back in the chick's bog, it was like an episode of CSI: Tucson. Investigators collected "wadded up tissue with possible semen from the feminine product receptacle," as well as "a hair found inside the toilet bowl." (Eww.) They also took a sample of the stall floor using sheets of sticky tape.

Heh. No one can accuse Agent Seese of shootin’ blanks, even if the guy is a real jerk.

One final point, do you think if this perv was a regular schmo that he'd have been released like this instead of going straight to jail? Maybe I'm wrong, but I can't imagine they'd just cite and release some run-of-the-mill creep who'd exposed himself in the girls room. One of the many perks, I'm sure, of being an FBI agent.