Wake Up Call

Burrito Rant Describes The Maddest Anyone Has Ever Been Over a Burrito (NSFW)

Anyone who has ever ordered a burrito at Chiptole knows the feeling. You bite into that tortilla-wrapped goodness expecting a well-balanced bite of rice, beans, cheese, salsa and meat only to find that your burrito has been constructed along the same lines as a parfait. A savory, Mexican parfait with completely separate layers of each ingredient. We're not saying it totally ruins the entire burrito-eating experience, but blogger Lucky Shirt is. In fact, he's so pissed about his poorly assembled burrito that he wrote a 650-word rant about it that includes a hell of a lot of capital letters, copious amounts of f-bombs and a diagram.

We're willing to bet this is the most upset anyone has ever been about a burrito. Ever.

The rant, which can be read in full here, is addressed to "Guy Who Just Made My Burrito" and begins with an explanation of what a burrito is to people of the earth:

On earth, we use the word "burrito" to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I'm surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today.

It goes on to explain that burritos should be constructed so that "every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients," thereby avoiding the "chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern."

It concludes:

You're the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.

The fact that Lucky Shirt's bio says he's a single dad makes us a little uncomfortable, though in all fairness the letter includes a note at the bottom that it is "a work of humor." Nevertheless, here's to hoping we never have to make a burrito for Lucky Shirt.

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