Cafe Reviews

New Burger King Breakfast Items: Is BK Even Trying Anymore?

Remember that kid who totally ruled at Guitar Hero and then, one day, when you're coming closer than you ever have to beating him, he stars screwing around and acting bored and you get super pissed off and throw the plastic Gibson SG on the floor and start screaming, "You're an asshole! You're not even trying anymore!" and he just starts laughing hysterically like it's no big deal?

Yeah, that kid's a lot like Burger King with their nine new breakfast items, four of which are coffee. And if that doesn't set the not-tryin' tone, the food will.

Hopping onto the "me, too!" fast-food breakfast bus, Burger King's new morning munchies include blueberry mini-muffins, pancake platters, a ciabatta breakfast sandwich, and iced coffees. Available until 10:30 a.m., these new items join established morning fare like the breakfast Croissan'wich and semi-new entries such as the breakfast muffin sandwich and the BK Breakfast Bowl (a Fry Girl fave.)

Here's the lowdown:

The BK Ultimate Breakfast Platter: The plastic cover of this morning monstrosity should have a big red sticker on the top that reads, "Warning! Crap-Ass Breakfast Food Inside!" You'd be better off ordering it in a hospital cafeteria -- same idea and you're closer to getting emergency medical treatment after consuming. A rubbery sausage patty, super-dry biscuit, bland scrambled eggs, and too-sweet pancakes with hard edges is no way anyone should start their day.

Four-Piece Mini Blueberry Biscuits: It doesn't get more vending-machine like than this which is sad 'cause this was the best breakfast item of the bunch. Four super-sweet, blueberry-packed biscuits served warm with vanilla icing dippin' sauce. At a buck, it's a deal but not very filling, and the sugar crash is a bitch.

BK Breakfast Ciabatta Club Sandwich: Big sandwich, huge letdown, so not trying. Thanks to the weight of the ingredients slathered in a sour orange sauce inside soft rubbery bread, the Ciabatta Club destructs upon first bite into a morning mess of barely-there eggs and bacon, chemical-tasting ham, and processed cheese. One point for for the fresh tomatoes minus a jillion points for the sunrise slip 'n' slide.

Seattle's Best Coffee: Yeah, okay, it's good. Watch out, Starbucks. Whatever. Even though most people know Seattle's Best Coffee is a subsidiary of Starbucks. Available in mocha, vanilla, and regular, hot and cold.

Even a guy with a flute can't save the King's new breakfast item apathy. And while I might see myself sneaking into BK for a cup of Seattle's Best and some blueberry biscuits, overall I'm not impressed and more than a little disappointed.

Have you tried any of the new Burger King breakfast items. If so, what did you think?