Film and TV

The Fashion Show Ultimate Collection Episode 3 Recap: Unsexy, Unsassy, and Unappealing

Seriously Bravo, you're going to let The World's Most Boring Fashion Show Ultimate Collection go on?! The most interesting parts of this episode were spotting America's Next Top Model castoff Melrose as the '40s femme fatale in the challenge's inspiration sequence (and in the numerous flashbacks... is that how you're keeping Tyra off your ass for stealing Tyra Mail?!) and hearing Isaac deny that's he's ever worn drag because he's "such an ugly girl."

We hope you're at least realizing you should have hired Dita Von Teese instead of Iman, Bravo. Any chance she'll be back? Oh right, her burlesque show real life is more interesting...

On to the show: Calvin, the supposed weakest link drama queen, is ready to tear down House of Nami, just like House of Emerald, but he's surprisingly sedate, cooperative, and OMG did he just giggle?!

"House of Emerald thinks that without Calvin we will be able to shine, but I think things will still go haywire," Tamara says of losing her brand new bestie to the other house.

"If it's all on me to turn this around, I think you're expecting too much," says Cesar who bolted from House of Nami as soon as Calvin was on board. "You think I'm Mother Teresa, and I'm not." 

Spoiler alerts ahead...

The Challenge: The designers are summoned to Brooklyn for some "killer fashion." (Could this BE any more cliché? Didn't we do fashion killers last week? Oh wait, no one got kicked off, do it again!) "Your challenge is to create a collection based on the femme fatale, who's impossibly charming, but whose charms could prove deadly," says Iman, who's working a gold
lame jumpsuit like it's her job (oh wait, it is).

The Twist:
The designers have just 24 hours to create their looks. Gee, Bravo, that's really not going to work for us. You see, we're not the cast of Project Runway. We can't pull ingenious looks out of our limited imaginations and even smaller amount of talent in less than a day!

In a mad rush at the fabric store, House of Emerald defers to newly acquired fashion guru/grandpa Cesar's fabric selection for its disco vamp collection. His pick: The cheapest Chantilly lace in the store at $6 per yard so the team can have pocket change for lunch, YAY! P/S: Since when did disco-ers wear lace, Cesar? Are you confusing the '70s polyester dancing queens with their totally non-fatale hippie contemporaries? Come on, we weren't even ALIVE then and we know at LEAST that much.

House of Nami decides they love Melrose (Hold the phone, do they know she's a bit of a backstabbing drama queen a la Calvin, guess not!) and selects "the dark side of the 40s temptress" for their inspiration. Nami sticks to a bland minimalistic color palette of purple and black, which according to Isaac is "the best palate because it's black and purple, period."

Time ticks on forever and ever and ever and ever as we watch the designers fumble to make their looks and collections come together. Rolando aspires to make his girl look like a Christmas tree, and Eduardo worries he won't be able to finish in time. Tamara can't get Mary J. Blige out of her mind, and Cesar fights her on the house's disco queen concept. And Golnessa freaks out over her inability to execute her design, and business partner/teammate Cindy frets about her distraction. Thanks again, Bravo, for highlighting the bottom three...

Meanwhile, House of Nami plays dress up: Dominique and Rolando are stand-in models for dress fittings and Calvin tries on women's platform pumps. What?! Are we hallucinating? Is this real life?! Cesar helps out Rolando, and Cindy's fangs start to show: "I feel like telling Cesar, 'Don't help them.' We're in a competition, and you're in the House of Emerald now. If you don't help them, we could win."

Everybody else stops work at 3 a.m. but Eduardo's punishment reward for winning last week is having to getting to work until 4 a.m. alone, which he, an industrial engineer, loves.

The Fashion Show: Cue longer-than-usual street scene of the designers wheeling over their own garment racks before the show. Note to Bravo: This doesn't lend any of the contestants any street cred. We've never heard of them.

Golnessa rips her dress trying to paint squeeze her model into it, and has to do some last minute fixes. The rest of House of Emerald can't stop fussing over their rainbow-colored pieces either.

House of Nami need to put the kibosh on crappy down-to-the-wire decisions too. Calvin, why are you hacking off your dress train? Dominique, what's up with the fabric belt?

Stefan, the fashion show director (who we'd like to see more of in a series titled The Fashion Show), tries to keep the designers on schedule, but fails miserably. Fashion show prep-time is not the time for major garment changes, people! Didn't you learn anything from your years ...
wait, scratch that you have no experience in fashion.

The Winners:
Surprise, surprise, House of Nami wins again, despite Cindy's idea that its their turn to lose. Sorry, Cindy, life's not fair. House of Nami's clothes have a sexiness, sophistication, and cohesion that that Emerald's lack, according to Isaac. And Iman, as well as Dita Von Teese, want to wear the winning exaggerated collar trench dress Eduardo spent his extra hour perfecting, giving him immunity for the next elimination.

ANOTHER [Lame] Twist: Eduardo has to choose someone from House of Nami to be up for elimination this week: Calvin's it. Although Isaac disagrees: "I feel like there might be a couple of other players in House of Nami who are getting a free ride at this point," he says as the camera pans to Rolando and David.

The Losers:
Isaac reprimands House of Emerald for its cheap-ass fabric choice and their lack of cohesion (sound familiar?): "Hair, makeup, and hat does not a collection make." But the killer judge is Dita Von Teese. (Please, stay. Make this show bearable!) She knocks Cesar off his pedestal saying, "It looks like someone trying too hard, and the femme fatale does not try too hard." And she chides Golnessa for her impossible-to-wear mess of a dress saying, "If you're going out to seduce, it's very important how you're going to get out of this dress. I didn't feel like there was any grace in getting out of it." It's Tamara, though, who goes home for her "North Beach Leather 1982 sales rack" look.

Then the unimaginable happens: The wicked witch breaks down into tears and miraculously doesn't melt: "Can I go instead of her?" Calvin asks between sobs. "No, honestly, I think you should stay and try to win," Isaac says. Yeah, right, as if he'll win. But hey, at least he has a heart?

What did you think of last night's decision? Should Eduardo have won for yet another cocktail dress? Is Calvin Nami's weakest link? Should sewing-challenged Golnessa have gotten a free pass? Should we stop watching before we gouge our eyes out on Iman's stilettos?