5 Things That Are Just Wrong about Faeries

Don't be surprised to see a few sparkly-dressed faerie folk if you're in Gilbert this weekend, when the park at 2675 East Elliot Road will be transformed into the Faerie Spring Fling Frolic.

The event's expected to bring in a horde of faeries (of course), as well as vendors selling normal and magical items such as "gnome-made delights" and "gifts from the angels." Which, um, sounds nice and all, but there's still something (or five things) we find that are just wrong about the singsong flock of groupies in wings.

1) They are the lowest on the totem pole for mythical creatures.

Elves, dwarves, goblins, and other mythical creatures kick ass. So why dress up (or believe you really are) something that's not particularly dangerous and makes you look like a want-wielding prostitute who ran into a fabric bin?

2) It's faerie not fairy ...
The old timey shit is getting annoying, and fairies/faeries are only using the latter to fit in with ye 'olde Renaissance Festival crowd. Hope you brought water skis, faerie, you're about to jump the shark.

3) Faerie names are creepy and unoriginal.
It's creepy enough to parade around like a sparkle bomb with a high voice. It's even worse to pretend your name is something horrible like Nettle Willowtree. One, you're not in Harry Potter. Two, that shit doesn't even fit on your name tag. And three, with the invention of the the official fairy name generator, you just got less creative than the stripper. Congrats.

Timur Guseynov

4) "Real" faeries are small ... and can fly.
You, faerie friend are not. And those wings look like you stole them from a kid in the Target toy aisle.

5) No one cares that you're not a nymph.

When they're not blowing bubbles, faeries love bitching about being confused with other small fantasy creatures. News flash: No one else knows/cares that you're not a nymph, pixie, sprite, or other slutty fantasy creature. Buck up wood sprite, and please re-adjust your corset.