The Five Real Reasons R.E.M. Broke Up

​Yesterday, R.E.M. announced the band's breakup on their official website, and they did it in just about the classiest way possible. After 31 years, the Georgia rockers bowed out amicably, without "lawyers squaring off" or "disharmony," they said. 

But we have a feeling there's more to the story than the band feeling like R.E.M. had run its cycle (Har, get it!?) Here are the real reasons the band broke up. 

1. The competition of who could look like they could give the least amount of fucks finally came to a head. 

2. The rest of the band's intolerance for the follically disabled. 

3. For years, teenagers confused Michael Stipe for Moby.

A generation later, teenagers have no idea who Moby is. Irrelevance realized. 

4. They've fully assumed the identity of "Bingo Hand Job."

Finally, after years of hiding their true feelings, R.E.M. is going to take on the beloved faux band name they used to play small clubs. Permanently. 

5. They were shiny and happy, but no longer wanted to hold hands. 

They did it for three decades. And Peter Buck has notoriously sweaty palms.

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