Rebecca Black's Only Fan Lashes Out at Writer

When I was growing up, my parents always told me that it's impossible to please everybody. Boy, were they right. Unfortunately it's impossible to please all of our readers, which means we occasionally receive some emails or comments that are really out there.

I knew what I was getting into when I applied for this position. Sarah Ventre, the intern that preceded me, told me exactly what to expect, hate mail and all. In the eight months or so that I've been writing for Up On The Sun, I've received some pretty hilarious comments and emails.

I was called a racist when I wrote about a fantastic white reggae band; a reader asked me if I "think black kids come out of the womb bumping Marley and rolling blunts." That was a classic. Then people attacked me for booing a Michael Jackson dance video game. I thought the game was lame, but I never said anything about Michael Jackson himself. I love MJ. Apparently my opinion called for three readers to tell me to go kill myself. My favorite comments were the ones about how I'm "just jealous cuz u cant dance to save yourself." I don't have two left feet, but I really loved reading that.

Recently, I got my favorite ever piece of hate mail, and I'd like to share it with you. I respect the person that wrote it for using nearly perfect grammar throughout the letter. Since I didn't have anything professional to write back to the composer of this letter, I gave my usual "Sorry you didn't appreciate my sarcasm, but thanks for reaching out and thanks for being a New Times reader" line and left it at that. I hope you enjoy everything about it just as much as I did.

Dear Ms. Rosenblum,

It is a rare occasion that I come across something online that is so pathetic and trife that I'm left completely dumbfounded and am forced to marvel at the scope of its cowardice. Your article "Rebecca Black's 'Friday:' Justifiably the Laughing Stock of America" did just that for me. So congratulations, I'm at a loss for words that can convey my amazement. See, I would call you a sick cunt, but calling you a sick cunt is like calling your Governor Jan Brewer a right-wing fanatic: at this point, it just goes without saying.

See, I saw your blog archives at the Phoenix News Times, you lame bitch. Basically, you're like Perez Hilton, without having anything funny to say or any fresh input to give. Maybe you could use your position as a freelance writer to cover someone other than already over-exposed, over-produced pop like Foo Fighters and Linkin Park. But please stop writing about hip-hop and "street cred". Until you can name five, hell, make it three, Wu-Tang Clan songs without consulting Wikipedia, you have absolutely no business mentioning hip-hop. By the way, what the hell kind of writer uses "STFU"? That's never cool. Never.

Speaking of cool, have you ever read the poem "We Real Cool" by Gwendolyn Brooks? In that poem, Gwendolyn, like Rebecca, commits the cardinal sin of leaving out the verb "are" in her sentence structures. Are you going call Gwendolyn Brooks a bitch too? In some places, you'd get blown to smithereens for saying that. But Arizona isn't one of those places, which is good for you, but sucks for everyone else. I'm just trying to give you a free bit of blogging advice: the last thing that people want to read are the laughably arrogant views of a nerdy little dyke whining about how someone didn't use proper grammar in a song.

And if you're wondering why I took the time to write this letter, perhaps you should ask yourself why you took the time to compose a blog entry hating on a 13 year old girl who, God forbid, took a chance and did something creative. I guarantee that the reason you felt compelled to write that was because girls like Rebecca tormented you in junior high for being such a raging bull-dyke gothic geek.

I just thought that you might need some advice on your work, just like how Rebecca Black might eventually need some career counseling. But please don't trick yourself into thinking that I give a fuck about you or what you think. Unlike Rebecca Black's response, your negative attention has nothing to do with your memorability, and everything to do with your being a bitch. At this point, I barely have enough interest left to push the send button on this email. But I'm going to anyways, because you seem like a truly detestable twat and I really think that you should just give up on your small dreams of becoming an entertainment writer and go back to fingering yourself to anime full-time.

In conclusion, you suck at writing and you suck at life. Once you've internalized what I've said, you'll realize that in the same way that Rebecca Black is an accidental parody of modern pop trends, you are an accidental parody of modern hipster quasi-journalism.

Sincerely,
Alex

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