For white people in America, May 5, Cinco de Mayo is more than an unofficial national holiday honoring the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862, in which Mexican defenders drove back an invading army from France. It's an excuse to party (fiesta!) and get in touch with their inner Mexican -- and it's much culturally safer than celebrating Mexico's independence on September 16 (eek!).
And while those living in Mexico may be saying, "Día festivo? Que día festivo?", white folks in the U.S. of A. will be celebrating Cinco de Mayo in these five ways:
5.) Dress "Mexican": Sombreros and tacos? It's everything white people love about Mexican culture! Extra credit for a black mustache or the ultra-offensive "brown face."
4.) Eat "Mexican" food: Whether it's nachos (virtually unknown in Mexico) or a sampling of classic Mexican fare from Taco Bell, just make sure it's something easy to pronounce and not too damn spicy.
3.) Learn the language: Screw Rosetta Stone. As long as "hola," "gracias," "por favor," and the all-important "cerveza" can be uttered with the inflections of a cartoon character, this white folk fiesta is livin' la macarena loca!
2.) Drink, drink, drink: If there's one thing white people love, it's an excuse to get trashed under the guise of celebrating another culture (thank you, St. Patrick!) Cold Corona? Sure. Fish tank tequila? Better. Just make it quick.
1.) Buy the worst piñatas ever: When the harpies of American morality bang on your brain-door daily, buying an ass or penis piñata to beat the shit out of just feels natural. Plus, h-i-l-a-r-i-o-u-s right? Plus, they were all out of Spider-Man.
Extra credit: Dancing to Mexican music: Yeah, that's unfortunate.
