In celebration of Earth Day -- the American invention intended to inspire awareness and gratefulness for our natural environment -- many will be "eating green." You know, chowing down on seasonal, locally grown, organic fare and making a difference in this wretched world.
But for those who think Earth Day is political ideology wrapped up in pessimism with a penchant for making the human race feel like shit (also, crack-slapping Arbor Day out of existence. Seriously, what the hell happened to Arbor Day?), we're offering up some anti-Earth Day grub where the only thing that's natural about it, is..., well..., nothing.
5.) Chicken Nuggets (above): Pink goo-like substance goes in, chicken flavor comes out -- what, that's not natural?
4.) Big Gulp: If you gotta gulp, go big, stupid big, with lots of high-fructrose corn syrup. Also, make sure you throw your cup out the car window afterward.
3.) Hot Pockets: As comedian Jim Gaffigan says, "We have a sea bass which is broiled, and a hot pocket which is cooked in a microwave with a side of Pepto."
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2.) Squeeze Cheese: Bright orange cheese-like substance we can spray into our mouths AND on crackers? Let's see Mother Earth try that one.
1.) Twinkies: Point one of these tube-like, golden sponge cakes with creamy filling upward, and you've got the middle finger to natural foods everywhere.