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5 Things Your Hostess Really Doesn't Want You to Do

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While the hostess' duties may not be as plentiful nor as stressful as the responsibilities laid upon the wait staff, the kitchen, or even management, that doesn't mean that from time to time she doesn't have to fight the urge to punch you in your stupid, dinner-eating face.

The hostess isn't just the petite bouncer of your favorite crowded eatery, she's the babysitter to you, the children in your party, and, most of all, the people with whom she can hardly tell the difference.

So to help lessen her pain and potentially your wait for a table, here are five things your hostess would really rather you stop doing. Like now.

See also: 5 Things Your Bartender Really Doesn't Want You to Do

"How much longer is it going to be?"

Remember when you would go on road trips with your parents as a kid and you and your siblings would whine from the backseat, "Are we there yet?" ad nauseam? Chances are you parents either ignored you, encouraged you to play the quiet game, or threatened to kick you out of the car and leave you stranded in the middle of nowhere for some less fortunate family to stumble upon.

Well guess what, this is the exact same thing. Only difference is, you're adults and your hostess, poor soul that she is, has no choice but smile politely and take it, because unlike your folks, this is a job she's actually getting paid for.

Hands off the seating chart.

Unless you want to guarantee never getting sat in this lifetime, stop trying to sneak a peak at the hostess' seating chart -- or worse, trying to edit said seating chart. Yes, people really do have the audacity to do this. Presumably, they're the same control freaks notorious for stealing their doctor's medical charts and rearranging the displays in clothing stores.

Don't point out empty tables in the room to your hostess.

She knows they're there and she knows they're empty. She also knows that the restaurant is short-staffed, so while you and your party technically can sit in them, you technically won't get service for quite some time. Believe it or not, the hostess does know a few things that the general public does not. But with nothing more than a dinky hostess stand separating her from the animals patrons, it's a concept easily forgotten.

No, your hostess can not serve you. She's a hostess.

If the doctor was busy seeing other patients, you wouldn't ask the receptionist to check your prostate. The arguments defending this request for a hostess to put on an apron and serve patrons range everywhere from pervy flirtation to asking, "How hard is it to just bring food to tables?" To this, both your hostess and your server might respond, "How hard is it to just make your meals at home?"

Avoid the bribes and the blackmail.

You kill more flies with honey than you do vinegar. Remember this the next time you feel like being an absolute dick for something your hostess has no control over. Threatening your hostess with a bad Yelp review or a word with her manager is not going to get you into your seat any faster. If anything it's going to guarantee you a cozy spot between the bathroom, the kitchen, and that women who won't stop hacking.

Bribery is an equally risky move. While some hostesses may turn away attempts to pay your way to a better table, others will simply turn their noses at what you consider to be a generous gift. Gee, whiz, two dollars? Why don't you sit your cheap ass down with the rest of the parties and wait your turn like everybody else.

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