By Wynter Holden
This week, we're hunting for the elusive creature known as "The Good Guy" -- a grown man who doesn't drink, party or leer at women even when they're half-dressed. The kind of guy you can bring home to mom. Some say he's just a myth, but, with our vast years of experience in tracking this particular prey, we were certain we could sniff out his lair. And we did indeed find him, in the form of bartender/General Manager Aaron Collins, a thirtyish former bouncer with bulging biceps and an equally humble attitude. We stalked him in his natural habitat at -- gasp! -- Bombshells Cabaret in Phoenix last week. Yes, that's right; the ideal man apparently works at a strip joint. Crikey, what a ripper!
Look, ma, no drink!
Chow Bella: Ok, dumb question, but why did you want to work here?
AC: Honestly, the money. It really wasn’t about the girls. I’m a bit different from the typical male bartender/GM that you’d expect in a place like this.
I’ve never smoked, never had a drink in my life, I don’t even know what a drop of alcohol tastes like. I’m a bartender that doesn’t know what his drinks taste like. And I don’t interact with the girls outside of here.
CB: Really? Are you Mormon? AC: That’s the first question I always get. I just have no desire. Sounds weird and simple and not believable, but I swear I have more fun watching people get drunk and be goofy. Plus, I don’t pay for any of it. I don’t get sick and I don’t black out and I don’t get DUIs. And I’m always the one that can fill in the blanks at the end of the night.
CB: You obviously don't sample it, but what's your favorite drink to make? AC: Can I say Bud Light? If I’m busy and I’m slammed, I want to hear, “can I get a Bud Light?," not "can I get a margarita?".
CB: What kind of breasts do you prefer on a woman, real or fake? AC: Real. Easy question. Fake works for me in a bikini, but not otherwise.
More about boobs, Jesus and Aaron's crossdressing co-workers behind the cut. Don't follow if easily offended!
CB: Have you ever had any religious protesters at the club? AC: Once, a long time ago. I opened up on a Saturday morning and this guy came in who almost looked like Jesus – sandals, long hair. He was just talking to himself, so I figured he was a bum off the street. We get some strange ones in here, you know. He takes one lap around the room and walks out. Later I go to the front door to switch on the lights and he had taped a note to the front door expressing how we were evil, we were awful and that he was Jesus.
Oh, and last weekend I ran into “White Jesus” here. Actually he was black, but he had a little too much to drink and discovered he was White Jesus and had just come from the President of Canada’s house -- and his son was a pimp, but he was ok with that.
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CB: Are you allowed to date the girls? AC: We've had problems with that in the past, so the owner made a one a year rule. In a 365-day span, you can choose one. And it had better be the right one -- it better not be a drunk one night stand -- because then you got 364 days of nothin’!
CB: Give us your best on-the-job story from here at Bombshells.
AC: We had a girl come in who wanted to work here. She asked if “Joe” (name changed to protect the guilty) still works here. She said he used to date her roommate. Ok, perfect. Joe always has some great stories, and I wanted to know if he was really telling the truth. So I said “give me a good story that I can hold over his head.”
“Ok,” she says. “One night I come home and I hear some yelling and screaming, like everyone’s having a really good time. My roommate’s running around the house and there’s another girl running right behind her. But it’s not a girl, it’s Joe in a schoolgirl outfit.” [laughing] If you saw Joe, he’s definitely not someone who should be wearing a plaid skirt. Tall, pasty, older, skinny white guy with glasses. Think Bill Gates, but paler, in a schoolgirl costume!