Cafe Reviews


Page 10 of 28


Pub:Publication:Phoenix New Times
Info:NV-59-90 Category: News Shorts
Page: 99
Keywords: MOTHER
Correction Date: Correction:


Dewey Webb

If you (like Butterfly McQueen) don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' no babies, look no farther than the pages of your supermarket tabloids.

Uncovering tales of bizarre childbirth that somehow never manage to make it into the mainstream media, these papers' intrepid reporters seemingly trek the globe, leaving no bassinet unturned.

Mothers of the world, we salute you!

BINGO BAMBINO! Source: Sun (May 1, 1990)

BLESSED EVENT: While vying for a $5,000 jackpot, self-described "bingo addict" Dorothy Minello calmly gave birth to a seven-pound eleven-ounce boy--and kept right on playing for another hour!

NATIVITY SCENE: Randwick, Australia NOTABLE QUOTES: "By the way she was screaming you couldn't tell if she was in pain or yelling `Bingo!'" GREAT MOMENTS IN MIDWIFERY: After selflessly abandoning their own cards to assist in the delivery, two fellow "bingoholics" were shocked when the new mother left the newborn infant in their care, refusing to be taken to a hospital until she'd lost another six games. POSTPARTUM IMPRESSION: "I was on a hot streak!" says the 37-year-old bingo madonna, who claims she'd do it all over again. "Nothing in the world can stop me when I get rolling and my numbers start coming up!" GIRL GIVES BIRTH ON ROLLER COASTER

Source: Sun (July 4, 1989)

BLESSED EVENT: Unaware that she was even pregnant, seventeen-year-old Dawn White delivered a six-pound seven-ounce boy while enjoying a hellish amusement-park ride.

NATIVITY SCENE: Wellington, New Zealand NOTABLE QUOTES: "I heard Dawn screaming like crazy, but everybody yells when they're on the roller coaster."

GREAT MOMENTS IN MIDWIFERY: "I couldn't believe it when I looked over and saw her baby coming out!" says a teenage friend who witnessed the high-speed delivery. "I thought I was dreaming or something--or that Dawn and her boyfriend Tommy were pulling one of their pranks on us." POSTPARTUM IMPRESSION: "I wouldn't recommend giving birth like this, but everything worked out okay this time," reports a doctor who examined the teen mom after she staggered off the ride. "Now the hard part will be telling her parents what happened at the amusement park." HALF-MAN HALF-WOMAN IS PREGNANT FOR SECOND TIME

Source: Sun (March 6, 1990)

BLESSED EVENT: Equipped with both male and female sex organs and unable to find a mate, handsome hermaphrodite Roy Newsom decided to start a family anyway by impregnating him/herself. After fathering (and mothering) one child, the 37-year-old weight trainer eagerly awaits the arrival of a second bundle of joy.

NATIVITY SCENE: Brisbane, Australia
NOTABLE QUOTES: Discussing his dual genitals, the proud parent(s) proclaims, "If you've got 'em, use 'em."

GREAT MOMENTS IN MIDWIFERY: Doctors monitoring the second pregnancy reported: "We have every reason to believe that the child will be like Roy's first: a happy, healthy hermaphrodite." POSTPARTUM IMPRESSION: Following the birth of the second child, Mr. Mom plans to have a vasectomy so he'll never have to worry about getting pregnant again. BABY BORN TALKING SAYS: "I'M LUCY BACK FROM THE DEAD" Source: Sun (January 23, 1990)

BLESSED EVENT: Hospital staffers gasped in disbelief as they helped deliver a redheaded baby girl who emerged from the womb wailing, "Ricky, I wanna be in the show!" When the infant proceeded to crack up the OB team with her comic antics and jokes, there was no doubt that the child was the reincarnation of zany comedienne Lucille Ball.

NATIVITY SCENE: Wolverhampton, England
NOTABLE QUOTES: "It's almost scary hearing all this from the mouth of a baby."

GREAT MOMENTS IN MIDWIFERY: "As we struggled to revive [the mother], the baby became upset at no longer being the center of attention and began crying," says one doctor at the scene. "She went `Waaaaah!' just like Lucy used to do."

POSTPARTUM IMPRESSION: When not repeating Ball's dialogue while watching I Love Lucy reruns, baby Lucy lies in her crib and badmouths Desi Arnaz.

CHEERLEADER, 12, HAS BABY DURING FOOTBALL GAME Source: Examiner (June 27, 1989)

BLESSED EVENT: During the third quarter of a junior high football game in Peru, twelve-year-old cheerleader Angelina Perez went into labor on the sidelines, giving birth to a ten-pound boy in full view of screaming fans.

NATIVITY SCENE: " . . . the village of Guyaco, nestled at an altitude of some 10,000 feet in an isolated region of the Andes Mountains in Peru."

NOTABLE QUOTES: "She was leading a cheer when she suddenly let out an ear-piercing scream. Everyone thought it was just part of a new cheer until she fell to the ground writhing in agony."

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Penelope Corcoran