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Five (Surprising) Ways to Eat Like an Olympian

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See also: Seven Summer Olympic Sports That, Yes, Really Are Olympic Sports

With the 2012 London games fast approaching, we here at Chow Bella are tirelessly trying to find ways to make gluttony an Olympic sport. And while we know that may take some time to pass over the Olympic committee, we figured the next logical step would be to highlight the 5 ways to eat like an Olympian.

You're probably guessing that after the jump you'll find 5 different types of fruits, vegetables, grains, and other assorted healthy options. Maybe a protein bar or two.

But think again, fellow gluttons.

This is no joke, friends. The first thing you have to do to eat like an Olympian is to pack the kids up and hop in your Honda CRV minivan, head to your nearest McD's drive-thru, and order a Number 1 with cheese, a large drink and fries. That makes all the sense in the world, right? Because that's essentially what broadcast media is telling us we should do to support this year's Olympics. Earlier this week, we saw someone posted on Facebook that when they were little, they wanted to get McDonald's because they wanted to be like their favorite athlete. Not only is that a horrible message to send to young people, but it also makes the athletes look like they're chowing down on Quarter Pounders to get ready for the big games.

This brings us to Cadbury. Yes, as in the deliciously creamy chocolate eggs we get at Easter time. A standard bar of Cadbury milk chocolate may only cost you 105 calories, but you're also sacrificing 6 grams of fat and nearly 20 percent of your daily saturated fat quota (based on a 2,000 calorie diet, of course). 11.4 grams of carbohydrates, and 11.3 grams of sugar. You might as well pop a squat on your fitness bible because if you keep your diet up "like an Olypmian," shit is all you're going to get out of it.

Admit it: We're beckoned to every TV screen when an inspirational Coca Cola commercial comes on about perseverance, and achievement, and joy, and all that other load of bull. Do you know what Coke can do? Besides having the ability to bring you joy, Coke can also clean the inside of your corroded car battery. It cleans rust from a chrome car bumper. Is has enough acid in it to erode a nail in four days. Imagine what it's doing to your competitive Olympian's insides... yep, that'll surely bring ya a gold medal.

Greek yogurt is actually a really great option. Flip open any fitness or health guide and you'll read that it's rich in protein, low in fat, high in calcium, and non existent on the cholesterol scale. However, with all of these great factors, Chobani, specifically, packs a lot of sugar in their cups of wellness. Chobani strawberry, for example, has a whopping 19 grams of sugar. The blueberry variety has 20 grams of sugar. Black cherry has 21 grams of sugar. When will the madness end?

Speaking of madness... does anyone else find it weird that the Subway spokesperson, Jared Fogle, is so chummy with Michael Phelps in these Eat Fresh commercials? "Official training restaurant of athletes everywhere..." Come on. Phelps may like, and even eat, a foot-long from time to time, but do you really think this is how he eats to train for his meets? Our high school rowing coaches would've thrown a kitty fit if they ever saw us eating Subway as often as the commercials make it seem that Michael Phelps does. Speed skater Apolo Ohno also reps Subway on behalf of U.S. Olympic athletes. Subway's website even has a page dedicated to Ohno's completion of a marathon. But does he really celebrate with $5 foot-longs? Probably not. After intense exertion, the man needs sufficient protein, and potassium, and electrolytes. Oh no, Apolo, oh no...

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