Cafe Reviews

Fry Girl Battles Bikini-Clad Audrina Patridge of The Hills and Her Obsession for the Teriyaki Burger at Carl's Jr.

Damn you, TV.

First, you convinced us we should buy insurance pimped by lizards and a blanket with armholes. Now you've paired a fast-food chain with a D-list reality TV star to hawk an exotic, expensive burger to Americans and our suppressed sexuality and insatiable desire to exceed the monthly caloric intake of a Third World nation — in a single meal.

Well, I'm not going for it. Not until I get super-hungry. Then I'll try it. But only to see what all the fuss is about. Unless I like it.

Oh, to hell with it — I can't wait to try the Teriyaki Burger at Carl's Jr.

For those who haven't seen the commercial, Audrina Patridge, of MTV's The Hills, is jiggling about on the beach wearing nothing more than a gold bikini and a tan. Rilo Kiley's sultry song "The Moneymaker" plays as Audrina pulls a Teriyaki Burger from a bag and stumbles through lines like "I'm totally obsessed" and "Sometimes I have to be a little bad." Cue the tagline: "More Than Just a Piece of Meat."

So many levels of wrong . . .

Hot Chicks in Bikinis Won't Pay $6, But You Will: Seriously? Six dollars? Is there a pineapple shortage? Has the teriyaki river run dry? Don't even tell me it justifies the "Black Angus" label; we all know that's code for not-licensed-to-carry-certified-Angus-beef-so-please-believe-this-is-the-same-thing.

If You Bring It to the Beach, You're Gonna Get Sand on It: Warning: Do not pull the Teriyaki Burger out of its wrapping — a garnish-packed meatslide is waiting to happen. You say it won't happen to you? Fine, just don't go running to Mommy when your sammie goes boo-boo.

Hot Chicks in Bikinis Don't Eat It. Actually, No One Should: If your taste buds can get past the ridiculous stack of iceberg lettuce, rubbery cheese, and warm tomato, they'll encounter a strange mix of meat, pineapple, and high-fructose teriyaki sauce.

Unless you've had a hole drilled in the back of your head to push the food out as soon as it enters your mouth, there's zero way to avoid this burger's 840 calories, 18 grams of saturated fat, 26 grams of sugar, a case of indigestion, and burps that taste like fossil fuel.

Keep your bikini burger, Audrina. The reality is that this particular piece of meat, just like you, doesn't live up to the hype.

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Laura Hahnefeld
Contact: Laura Hahnefeld