Groupon: Unintentional Comedy?

How can you not love Groupon? I sure do. It's a daily deal delivered to your inbox, and some of the offers from local businesses are incredible. And it's free to join.

But have you ever actually read some of these descriptions? Somebody is getting really creative in writing their copy. I actually look forward to reading them, they're so over the top. A couple recent ones completely cracked me up.

I'll bold the parts that had me scratching my head or nearly making coffee shoot out of my nostrils:

The pronunciation of the word "gyro" is debatable, and mumbling it with a mouth full of meat can make arguments turn into pita-glove boxing matches. Settle the argument on speechlessly good gyros with today's deal. For $10, you get $25 worth of gyros and Mediterranean eats at Sami's Gyros in Tempe.

Sami's signature gyro is layered in generous cuts of tomatoes and onions and under a phonetically perplexing complexion of tzatziki sauce ($5.50). Pita-piped falafel sandwiches with lettuce, tomatoes, and tahini sauce ($5.50) are also available, or nibble on a starter version of falafel ($3.95 for four). Experience unexpected yet geographically logical Mediterranean flavors such as an Italian beef with sweet bell peppers ($6.95) or the imported Chicago-style Vienna beef hotdogs loaded with the works ($4.25). For surprise seekers, Sami's features a different off-menu meal each week.

Leave broadswords at home, as the friendly professionals at Sami's Gyros are skilled spit slicers. Stop in for a lightning-fast lunch packed with more-than-light portions, begging to be paired with enough of Sami's fries to make Mr. Potato Head shake in his detachable blue shoes. Carry-out customers will experience a tingling sensation in their muscular tissue, though bustling biceps generally relax after a few steps out the door when diners dig in on the go.

and . . . 

The perfect food and wine pairing is like the fateful meeting of destined lovers, best celebrated with a tiny mock wedding presided over by a curmudgeonly pepper mill with a heart of gold. Combine cuisine and wine the way nature intended with today's deal. For $15, you get $30 worth of Italian cuisine and drinks at BiCE Bistro, located in Westgate City Center in Glendale. Call ahead to make a reservation, or deliver it in proper Italian fashion via heartbreaking aria.

As you settle in among the chic comforts and azure-and-saffron accent lights of BiCE Bistro's dining room, your esophageal alignment will inadvertently assimilate to the décor's clean lines, preparing your pipes for pairings aplenty. BiCE boasts an extensive wine and drink menu overflowing with sommelier-selected sips, specialty cocktails, and icy brews. Pair a glass of Italian white wine ($7-$11) with an order of tuna and salmon tartar served with avocado, red onion, tomato, and fresh basil ($15), or complement a fruity Tuscan Sunset cocktail (Campari, Amaretto Di Saronno, Beefeater, pineapple juice, and orange juice, $10) with an order of prosciutto di Parma con melone dolce (melon wrapped in prosciutto, $14). If you're overwhelmed by your options, BiCE's on-site sommelier will help you find your dish's sipping soulmate, and will also politely correct common wine-rookie errors such as mistakenly drinking a prosciutto caprese panini ($12).

With your palate properly piqued, set your taste buds' creepy, unblinking eyes on BiCE's bountiful menu of tasty entrees and handmade pasta. The ravioli di pesce serves up pillows of pasta stuffed with crab and shrimp meat happily coated in a lobster cream sauce ($17). BiCE's Neapolitan pizzas come in fancy flavors such as margherita classica, quattro formaggio con pollo, Monica Bellucci, and salsiccia e funghi, all names loosely translated to "sharing is caring" ($10-$14). BiCE's long list of authentic meaty entrees includes epically named beef medallions with a balsamic reduction (medaglioni di manzo con riduzione di balsamico e purea di Pptate all'aglio, $23), strip steak with spinach and fingerling potatoes ($24), and veal piccata with a lemon caper white-wine sauce ($22). The bistro's menu also includes a wide variety of salads, soups, paninis, seafood dishes, funiculìs, and funiculàs.

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Michele Laudig
Contact: Michele Laudig