Lists

Laurie Notaro's Army of Foodies, the Amuse Douchers of the Culinary World

Every army has a pecking order, and the Amuse Douchers are no different. To rise in foodie rank, you have to be bold, you have to be fearless, and you have to...basically not have any other interests, hobbies, or loved ones that check in on a regular basis. We ALL suffer for our art, but unfortunately, if you're sitting at the same table or even in the same restaurant, everyone else in suffering along right with you.

Here are the highest offenders, based on my experience alone, of foodies that not only crush the boundaries of good taste, but also do it while they're swallowing or popping capers with their teeth. In order from highest to lowest, may I present the Army of Foodies:

The Lecturer The guy who believes himself to be Pliny the Elder and educate everyone at the tables to the layers and nuances of each dish. Sometimes, when jealous, he even stands up and will wander over to your side to test your assessment of the dish you ordered, are trying to eat and will pay for. He will correct you when he sense you have erred, saying, "No, I'm afraid your palate is experiencing a user error. That was a atom-sized particle of cumin I detected, not coriander." This guy also works at Wells Fargo in marketing, and after drinking slightly, tries to emulate the puddle of spit that gathers on the bottom of James Oseland's bottom, somewhat droopy lip. He, at times, will hold up his hand during dinner, whip out his Moleskine and will take notes while going for the big mouthfeel.

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Laurie Notaro