Laurie Notaro's Eight Food(ie) Terms Past Their Expiration Dates

Page 2 of 2

7. Mouthfeel
This is an asshole's word for texture. The only time anyone should ever be concerned with mouthfeel is if you don't have any, or if your mouth terrain is being altered without the aid of narcotics.
Punishment: the removal of a visible tooth and the onset of dry sockets. Let's make them eat the tooth, too. THAT's mouthfeel.

6. Foam
Jesus wept, I swear. These bubbles are nothing but food spittle. For all you know, there could be a station of assisted living people sitting in the kitchen chewing your dinner first and dribbling all over your food. That's what you need to think about when you see that on a menu, because any food that can create foam is either going to cause a disease or cure one.
Punishment: forced to eat any Hometown Buffet dish covered in its own foam.

5. "Two ways"
How about SHUT UP two ways? One with a disgusted look on my face when you take your pomposity to the level that you feel the need to explain why you fried a piece of pork and then also roasted one. How much Adderall are you on that you can't handle eating one piece of meat the same way for the whole meal? The second way of telling you to SHUT UP is by using my "finger feel" to determine which piece of meat is hotter so I know which one to pick up and throw at your face.
Punishment: style Donald Trump's hair because if you want to attain that level of tooldom, you need to understand the root of the word.

KEEP PHOENIX NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Phoenix New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Phoenix, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Laurie Notaro